soccer Page 135 - Sports News, Headlines & Highlights
Why Sepp Blatter Will Run FIFA Until He Dies
Toward the end of Sepp Blatter’s victory speech, delivered after riding out the biggest scandal of his career by having his emperorship validated in resounding fashion, the FIFA president looked into the camera and said “I like you.” ...
All Hail Sepp Blatter, FIFA Emperor-For-Life
As expected, courageous leader, tenacious progressive, and upstanding citizen Sepp Blatter has won re-election as president of FIFA. His impeccable credentials gave him the overwhelming victory over Guy Who Is Not Sepp Blatter, with the first vote ending up 133-73 before Blatter’s opponent generousl...
Will There Be Enough Votes To Oust Sepp Blatter?
In about five hours, while you are sleeping soundly, FIFA will begin voting in Zurich for its next president. The secret ballot will be held by the 209 member associations of FIFA, who each hold one vote, meaning that Maldives has the same voting power as Germany. In the first round of voting a cand...
How Many Ways Can You Hide A Bribe? The Best Of The FIFA Indictment
“There are some people here who think they are more pious than thou. If you’re pious, open a church, friends. Our business is our business.”...
Deadcast: Are The FIFA Arrests Bullshit?
As you know by now, American officials conducted a huge sting operation two nights ago that culminated in the arrest of a shitload of FIFA officials, all of whom were tied to numerous instances of bribery and outright corruption. Now, I think it’s safe to say that we all despise FIFA, and nothing pl...
Sepp Blatter Shocked, Shocked To Find That Bribery Is Going On In Here
In a statement released just now, FIFA president Sepp Blatter wants you to know that he’s just as concerned as you are about corruption in his organization. Corruption which comes as a complete surprise to him, and which he totally has nothing to do with....
IRS Goober Hits FIFA With A Tasty Burn
There were a lot of important things to discuss at today’s Department of Justice press conference about the corruption charges being brought against FIFA, but let’s worry about that stuff later. For now, we can focus on this dude from the IRS, who stepped up to the podium and unleashed hell:...
FIFA Says There Will Be No World Cup Re-Vote
As the Justice Department arrested or indicted 14 FIFA and media officials in dramatic early morning raids, Swiss authorities announced a criminal investigation of their own, into allegations of corruption and bribery related to the allocation of the 2018 and 2022 World Cups to Russia and Qatar. FIF...
Reports: Justice Department Brings The Goddamn Hammer Down On FIFA
According to reports in both the Wall Street Journal ($) and New York Times, a number of FIFA officials were just arrested in Zurich, Switzerland, and according to the Times are expected to be extradited to the United States where they will face charges of “wire fraud, racketeering and money launder...
FIFA Slaves Banned From Attending Relatives' Funerals
The 2022 Qatar World Cup will be brought to you by Coca-Cola on the backs of slave workers, many of whom hail from Nepal. These workers live in filth and work in terrifyingly dangerous conditions; their efforts to build the McDonald’s-funded event will result in one dead worker for every 90 seconds ...
Fenerbahçe Get Four Players Sent Off, Ruin Their Süper Lig Hopes
Fenerbahçe needed a win today at Istanbul Basaksehir to keep their hopes alive of beating rival Galatasaray for the Turkish Süper Lig title. Instead, they earned four red cards and managed a 2-2 draw with only seven players left on the pitch. One of those reds came from a substitute, Pierre Webo, wh...
Jack Wilshere Rips Massive Half-Volley From Outside The Box
Arsenal are having an easy final day of the campaign against West Brom, and the Emirates crowd came to its feet for the Gunners’ third goal, a rocket half-volley off the boot of Jack Wilshere. ...
Drogba Carried Off By Teammates In Final Chelsea Match
Didier Drogba announced today’s match against Sunderland would be his last in a Chelsea uniform. After suffering an early “injury,” the Ivorian earned a hero’s treatment as his teammates lifted him up to carry him off the pitch....
Southend Win League Two Playoff Final With Bonkers Finish
Despite being down 1-0 with just 20 seconds of added time remaining in extra time, Southend United earned promotion to England’s League One thanks to some magic at Wembley Stadium....
Britos Bloodies Morata With Vicious Headbutt
Today’s Serie A match between Juventus and Napoli ended with a red card for Miguel Britos after the Uruguayan delivered his skull straight to Álvaro Morata’s nose. Morata ended up with a bloody face, but the 3-1 win after the referee awarded a penalty for the incident....
Horrible, No-Good Keeper Sends Flying, Cleats-First Kick Into Ref's Back
A yellow? You’re going to try to embed your cleats into this unsuspecting referee’s vertebrae for a measly yellow card? The world’s a cold, cold place....
Phil Jones Falling Down Chasing The Ball Is A Blast In Extreme Slow-Mo
Manchester United drew 1-1 with Arsenal yesterday in a battle of clubs fighting for third place in the Premiership, and the desire to win drove Man United defender Phil Jones to the ground in search of a ball that was just a bit too elusive—no matter how much crawling it took. But even from his hand...
Riots Delay <i>El Clásico Tapatío </i>As Atlas Fans Attack Chivas Players
Riots delayed yet another major soccer match this weekend as the second Liguilla leg of Atlas vs Guadalajara was delayed 15 minutes for fans running onto the field, attempting to attack Chivas players and the referee, and committing violence in the stands....
When You're Playing FIFA And Your Controller Breaks
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