the-closer Page 1 - Sports News, Headlines & Highlights

latest

Kyrie Irving and Dave Chappelle are being used as Black ‘pawns’ on a white chessboard

Kyrie Irving and Dave Chappelle are getting played....

|Tue Oct 26 2021

Deadspin Classic: Madness, Glory, And The Self-Correcting Aneurysm

Four years ago, in the World Cup final, France's Zinedine Zidane defended the honor of his whore sister and ended his career in an unimaginably bizarre fashion. Afterward, David Hirshey bid a sad adieu....

by Tommy Craggs|

|Mon Jun 17 2013

David Hirshey Is Your World Cup Historian, Not Your World Cup Closer

David Hirshey wrote regularly for this site about soccer for two years before selling us out to write a terrific book for ESPN. He talked to Emeritus about the book, the World Cup and mustaches....

by Will Leitch|

|Mon Jun 17 2013

Hirshey: The Gulf Is Closing, But Not THAT Quickly

David Hirshey is the former soccer expert around these parts and one of the world-famous Soccer Jews. He talked to me, Emeritus, about yesterday's U.S. soccer loss to Brazil....

by Will Leitch|

|Mon Jun 17 2013

Closerkkake: Those Guys Really, REALLY Like Florida

Florida and Oklahoma appear poised for a showdown in the BCS Championship. Florida dazzled previously-undefeated Alabama with an array of offensive speed and play-calling, set against the backdrop of a tandem suckoff by Verne Lundquist and Gary Danielson. Last night was the first time I've heard two...

by Josh Zerkle|

|Tue Jun 18 2013

CLOSERKKAKE! An All-Sports Recap So Good You'll Need To Wipe It Off Your Face!

COLLEGE FOOTBALL: Ball State solved a lot of potential BCS bushwhacking when they shit the bed last night against Buffalo, 42-24. Quarterback Nate Davis, whose was climbing on NFL draft boards faster than Tom Cruise onto Katie Holmes (because he's short, see?), led the collapse with four fumbles and...

by Josh Zerkle|

|Tue Jun 18 2013

Rearranging the World Order

Michael Bertin writes about soccer for Deadspin World Cup qualifying in Europe is too easy. I know that sounds ridiculous given some of the results over the weekend—France losing to Austria, Italy needing stoppage time to nip Cyrpus, and England being rescued against Andorra (again) by five inspire...

by Michael Bertin|

|Tue Jun 18 2013

Arms Race Gets Second and Larger Arm

Michael Bertin writes regularly about soccer for Deadspin Meet the new world power in soccer, the United Arab Emirates. Actually as people, they suck at the game. The national side is currently 104th (out of 208) in FIFA's World Rankings. But the Emirates have something more important than athletic ...

by Michael Bertin|

|Tue Jun 18 2013

They Must Be Coming By Sea

David Hirshey Michael Bertin writes regularly for Deadspin about soccer. Arsene Wenger would have made a good captain for the Titanic. That has less to do with any nautical skills that he may or may not have, than it does with hubris. This is an Arsenal side he has claimed in print has the ability ...

by Michael Bertin|

|Tue Jun 18 2013

Stop Us If You've Heard This One Before

David Hirshey Michael Bertin writes regularly for Deadspin about soccer. If the season were to end today Stupid Fucking Bolton would be going to the Champions League. A corner of the universe just started to fold in on itself simply because that sentence was typed. If... If my aunt had a penis she'd...

by Michael Bertin|

|Tue Jun 18 2013

Michael Bertin Is Your New Closer

Unfortunately, we could not wrestle away previous soccer mom David Hirshey from his other "job" even though we offered him a drum full of mustache balm and unreleased nude photos of Pele to continue with us. The man simply wouldn't budge. No fear, though, because your weekly footie fix will be fille...

by A.J. Daulerio|

|Tue Jun 18 2013