the Page 997 - Sports News, Headlines & Highlights
1st Round, Nineteenth Overall: Panthers Select Jeff Otah
Let's measure the Otah draft buzz throughout his career in decibels (dB): 1) Leaves JUCO as a lanky ex-basketball player; wins starting job at Pitt (10 dB; rustling leaves) 2) Stones Chris Long repeatedly in Virginia-Pitt game (70 dB; Space Shuttle launch in your kitchen) 3) Suffers minor injury in...
1st Round, Eighteenth Overall: Ravens Select Joe Flacco
Joe Flacco came from a bad neighborhood. Audubon, New Jersey, is rougher than the Little Rock with East St. Louis piled on top of it. Flacco graduated from Audubon High School, which is so rough that there are medal detectors in the faculty lounge, where even the math teachers are pumped up muscle m...
1st Round, Fifteenth Overall: Chiefs Select Branden Albert
Oh God. The Lions made a trade. Carl Peterson dangled a shiny object in front of Matt Millen, and now we all have to adjust. This Brandon Albert blog entry will be written in four styles: dense football scouting jargon, lyrically idiotic Jamie Dukes banter, Thomas the Tank Engine narration, and fin...
1st Round, Thirteenth Overall: Panthers Select Jonathan Stewart
Okay, where's Tanier going here? Is going to go the "Jon Stewart" route and make lots of Daily Show (or "The Faculty") references? Is he going to make fun of Oregon's Rejected Nickelodeon Teen Superhero uniforms? Maybe go old school for some Jimmy Stewart references? ...
1st Round, Eleventh Overall: Bills Select Leodis McKelvin
Oh where do parents find names like "Leodis"? Well, smart guy, it turns out that Leodis was the Olde English name for the woods that eventually became the English township of Leeds. The word "Leodis" is mentioned several times by the Venerable Bede, and there are few sources as venerable as the Ven...
1st Round, Ninth Overall: Bengals Select Keith Rivers
Keep standing pat, ye mighty Bengals! The Jags and Pats leapt over you to take defenders you so badly needed, guys you targeted so heavily that you sent your line coach to molest them at their pro days. Your star wide receiver plans to toilet paper team headquarters. Your other receiver, whose name...
1st Round, Eighth Overall: Ravens Jaguars Select Derrick Harvey
We used to call guys like Harvey "tweeners." Now they're called "hybrids." Scouting gibberish has gone green...
1st Round, Seventh Overall: Patriots Saints Select Sedrick Ellis
The Patriots, wheeling and dealing? Next thing you know they'll be doing something shifty. Without waiting for the details, I am going to assume that they just took the Saints first round picks thru 2017 to allow them to move up five slots....
1st Round, Fourth Overall: Raiders Select Darren McFadden
It's time to bring the mood down a little, dim the lights, turn off the laugh track. Think of this as the portion of Comic Relief when Whoopie, Billy, and Robin would drop the shtick and talk seriously about whatever the hell Comic Relief was supposed to benefit....
Passersby Were Amazed By The Unusually Large Amounts Of Blood
This bloodied but unbowed runner is Alicia Follmar of Stanford, who took a spill at the start of the women's distance medley at the prestigious Penn Relays. She quickly recovered and managed to finish third....
To Watch Tonight
What to watch after surviving the Great Jell-o Snack Pack Disaster of 2008 ... • Boxing: Middleweights, Andrey Tsurkan vs. Jesse Feliciano, at New York (9:30 p.m., ET). The return of El Rayo! [ESPN2] • NBA playoffs: Eastern Conference first round, Game 3, Detroit Pistons at Philadelphia 76ers (7 p.m...
Now, Majerle's Miffed At TheDirty.com
After yesterday's legal parry with the lawyer representing Terrell Owens in his futile fight to de-Dirty.com himself from internet memory, another sports figure has also threatened legal action against the website: Thunder Dan Majerle....
Tom Brady Is Out Of The Closet And Bent On Murder
Anyone watch Law & Order: Special Victims Unit? Apparently Tuesday's episode involved a thinly disguised version of Tom Brady, who was a gay quarterback implicated in a murder. Sample dialogue: "Lincoln Haver is gay? I thought he was dating Natasha Gorski, that hot supermodel." "You can't blame Linc...
ESPN's Featured Comment Of The Day
ESPN scoured its message boards this morning to find its cleverest, boldest, most enlightening comment, and chose this one above all others ......
About Last Night ...
What you missed while recovering from spousal carrot-related violence ... • NHL: Second-line wing helps Wings wing Avalanche, 4-3. • MLB: Ah, the lost art of the doubleheader sweep ... not to mention the .028 ERA. Indians 9-2, Royals 6-0. • NBA: Rockets realize it's a best-of-seven deal, begin tryin...
Rich Rodriguez Era Off To A Rousing Start
Former University of Michigan offensive lineman Justin Boren is now officially an Ohio State Buckeye, a development which has caused much gnashing of teeth around college football. This is the first time ever that a Wolverines player has gone over to play for their most hated rival, which should rai...
T.O. Goes After The Dirty.com
Now, there is no longer any doubt that Terrell Owens "accidentally" showed up in a frame of the BangBros. "Spring Break Ass" pictorial, as proven by a curt little letter from his attorney, Alan M. Lerner, obtained by TMZ.com, to TheDirty.com....
The Zen-Like Qualities Of An Own Goal
David Hirshey writes regularly for Deadspin about soccer....
ESPN Upgrades Its Spelling Bee Coverage
Hate to ruin your day, but Mike & Mike are out as hosts of the Scripps National Spelling Bee coverage on ESPN and ABC in May. Taking their place will be the perky Tom Bergeron — whose work on America's Funniest Home Videos was once again overlooked by the Nobel Committee — and a very special sideli...
Sing A Song, America, And Please Look Silly Doing So
Of all the legacies that Harry Caray left us — Horry Kow, folks! HORRY KOW! — the most lasting will almost certainly be the warblings of "Take Me Out To The Ballgame" that have infiltrated not only Wrigley Field, but all our nation's stadiums. Well, now Major League Baseball is getting in on the "ac...