Time for your weekly edition of the Deadspin Funbag. Drew’s gone! We have guest hosts. Got something on your mind? Email the Funbag. Today, we’re talking about unathletic quarterbacks, urinal strategy, NBA tanking, and more.

Ichiro retired (or whatever) last week. Appropriately, Peter Gammons has an Ichiro tribute (behind the paywall) at The Athletic today. It’s about how dedicated Ichiro is to the craft of baseball, and opens with an anecdote from Barry Bonds.

In 1993, Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen found time between Full House episodes to record an album called I Am the Cute One. Songs include “I Am a Kid,” “I Love to Scream,” and “No One Tells the President What to Do.” The last of those is a celebration of the truth of its title—the president can do whatever he wants, and…

At long last, ESPN NFL insider Adam Schefter has determined that Tom Brady, who everyone on Earth assumed was going to be playing football for the Patriots next season, is going to be playing football for the Patriots next season.

The headline on ESPN scoopmaster Adam Schefter’s latest report about Tom Brady—“Sources: Tom Brady has yet to commit to playing ‘18 season for Pats”—probably won’t get your juices flowing. “Yet to commit” doesn’t mean he won’t, or that he’s even been asked to, and so I imagine you’ll go into the story not expecting…

Lawyers for Stormy Daniels released a sketched drawing of a man that Daniels says threatened her in a parking lot in 2011 after her alleged affair with Donald Trump. The goon is described as being a handsome fellow between 5-foot-9 and 6-foot, with a “lean but fit” profile.

However the relationship between Patriots head coach Bill Belichick and quarterback Tom Brady stands now, it’s clear that the former still takes issue with the latter’s body coach and business partner Alex Guerrero. Belichick last season reportedly banned Guerrero from the team’s sidelines and revoked his access, and…

Tom Brady visited The Late Show with Stephen Colbert tonight, accepting the host’s challenge to chug a “beer.” We put the beverage in scare quotes because there’s a decent question as to what, exactly, the Super Bowl-losing quarterback actually quaffed.

It feels like so long ago that practically every New England media member scrutinized Tom Brady’s gloved throwing hand to figure out if it was seriously injured, right before the Jaguars-Patriots AFC title game. Thanks to the last episode of Brady’s Facebook docuseries, we now have a good look at the damage done by…

Everyone had a hearty chuckle (or gasped in horror) as James Harden extracted Wesley Johnson’s soul with a crossover last night, but The Outline’s Jeremy Gordon had an offhand joke that made us think. He said Harden’s staredown of Johnson was longer than Tom Brady’s definitely normal lips-on-lips kiss with his son.…

It would appear a member of Tom Brady’s family has sold a Super Bowl LI championship ring, and for an absolutely bonkers $344,927. This is from a Darren Rovell report on ESPN:

There is, apparently, a line that can be crossed at oft-offensive Boston sports radio shithole WEEI, as the station suspended host Christian Fauria five days for his racist impression of NFL agent Don Yee on Friday’s show.

There is never a guarantee you’ll get a Patriots Schadenfreude Day. There are years when they win a Super Bowl and you just gotta sit there with gritted teeth while Brian O’Brian from Dickchester hoots and hollers and flashes imaginary rings and celebrates yet another Pats Super Bowl win by blinding an immigrant.

Brandon Graham’s strip sack of Tom Brady and Derek Barnett’s recovery of the ball proved to be a deciding play of this year’s Super Bowl. We’ve compiled 13 different broadcasts of the play, including the local announcers as well as TV and radio from five different continents. (Our favorite is Australia—with Kevin…

There will be plenty of time tomorrow to break down the big plays and big decisions of tonight’s 41-33 Eagles Super Bowl win. For now, let’s be content to bask in the photographic record. We as a country may have finally turned a corner.

Underdogs in every playoff game they played, the Philadelphia Eagles just won the fucking Super Bowl. Their first ever. I still can’t really believe it. Neither can Tom Brady up there.

Thanks, Brian.

One video of Tom Brady and his son, who asks to check his fantasy team, but not before he gives his Super Bowl-winning father a kiss.

Tom Brady, who has previously been revealed as a fancy dog by this very website, told a story today in which he outlined one of the primary dangers a fancy dog faces in today’s world: unwanted attention from a mean dog.

By now you are surely aware of the fact that WEEI host Alex Reimer was suspended indefinitely after saying Tom Brady’s daughter was being an “annoying little pissant” in a scene of the first episode of Brady’s new Facebook reality show. He caught the ire of Brady, who went on WEEI and implied that Reimer’s comment…