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Better Dirty Than Humbled: The Lights Go Down On The Bernard Hopkins Show
ATLANTIC CITY, N.J.—For years, Bernard Hopkins has entered the ring for each of his fights wearing a black balaclava, only his eyes visible, arms crossed overhead in an "X" to signify his nickname, "The Executioner." Outside the ring, he's a chatty bald man with a flattened nose and kindly eyes, now...
Dear Abby: Cleveland Sports Have Created An 8-Year-Old Psychopath
Yesterday's "Dear Abby" column featured "Good dad in Cleveland," who's seeking advice on what to do with his eight-year-old son, understandably driven to animal abuse by the frustrations of being a Cleveland sports fan. Little Junior loves sports, you see, but "he has trouble accepting a loss. He'll...
London Olympics To Be Protected By Rooftop Missile Launchers
The British Ministry of Defence recently informed residents of an "upscale apartment development" near Olympic Park that it plans to install a "missile battery" on the development's property....
Report Card: Grading The NFL Draft Grades
It's that time of year, when we assign nebulous indicators of quality to the impossibly difficult to evaluate drafting of NFL talent. We'll look at the some of the best and brightest draft grades and let you know how each organization did in grading the 2012 NFL Draft. We realize that grading the g...
<i>Chicago Sun-Times</i> Columnist Joe Cowley Rides A Plane, Degrades Women Everywhere
Ever since Jay Marrioti fell off the face of the planet, the Chicago Sun-Times has been a little light in the abusive-toward-females department. This morning, Joe Cowley (pictured, far right) bravely stepped in to assume the role, in an albeit verbal, yet no less demeaning manner when he took on on...
Bryce Harper Has His First Major League Hit, Possibly Because Dodgers Fans Were Mooning Their Own Pitcher
Nationals rookie Bryce Harper doubled in his third MLB at-bat, giving him his first hit in the majors. More importantly, though, it happened as some fans behind home plate had their bare asses out and pointing toward the mound. Why? I don't know. Does it matter? No. [PRIME]...
LeBron James Has Ushered In The NBA Playoffs Flop Era
While debate continues to rage in regard to whether Tyson Chandler's screen on LeBron James today really accounted for a flagrant foul, there's no doubt that LeBron augmented the impact with his own brand of thespianism. The incident set Jeff Van Gundy off on another rant about flopping, and is a ...
Witness The Last Gasp Of Local News Reporting As It Repeatedly Hits On St. Louis Cardinal David Freese
Here is World Series MVP David Freese being subjected to quite possibly the most uncomfortably awkward fluff piece ever. Six Flags has a Mr. Freeze roller coaster and Show Me St. Louis' Julie Tristan decided it would be the perfect excuse to continually hit on the young Cardinal. She even brought i...
Tim McCarver Blames Global Warming For The Increase In Major League Home Runs
We'd normally save this sort of thing for McCarve'd Up (which will be back next week after being pre-empted for NFL draft coverage) but Tim McCarver said one of the stupidest things ever spoken on a television broadcast today, blaming global warming for "making the air thin" and thus leading to a...
Dead Letters: "Stop Lying And Write Something Real"
Subject: baseball baby...
Feeling Goodell: Who Hugged The NFL Commissioner Longest At Last Night's Draft?
NFL commissioner and disciplinary hardass Roger Goodell has ushered in the Draft Day Hug Era, eschewing the usual handshake photo-ops in favor of giving in to those players who want to give him the bro treatment. Goodell has embraced the embrace to such an extent that it's become the norm. Every pl...
Fun With 69ing Failures
Welcome to Great Moments in Drunken Hookup Failure, where we showcase four heartwarming true stories of drunken love gone horribly awry. Off we go....
Better Know An Umpire: Lance Barrett
Welcome to Better Know An Umpire, an effort to educate ourselves on the human elements who have ultimate decision-making power over some 2,500 Major League Baseball games a year. (All cumulative statistics are through the 2011 season, unless otherwise stated.)...
John Cusack In A Goatee? Quoth The Raven: Meh.
John Cusack is one of those actors whom everybody likes. He was a consistently enjoyable presence in '80s films like Better Off Dead and Sixteen Candles, and he won the hearts of a generation of young women by being the most sensitive man ever in Say Anything. Since then, he's been an indie staple (...
Morris Claiborne Is The Smartest Rookie In The NFL
When word leaked that LSU cornerback Morris Claiborne scored a four on his Wonderlic, our measured reaction was "who gives a shit?" It's a test of certain cognitive abilities, and gives a result that offers no prediction of future performance. Claiborne has a distinction that's a hell of a lot more ...
Texas Couple Finds Foul Ball-Snatching Charges "Hurtful," Demands Apology From Michael Kay
When Sean Leonard and his fiancée, Shannon Moore, attended their first Texas Rangers game last night, they had no idea they would soon create national news for denying to give a foul ball to—and then taunting—a crying boy sitting next to them. Since them, they've been deemed the "worst people ev...
I Was The Child Star Of A CBS Show Who Had Two Free Throws To Win The Big Game
An occasional series featuring our readers' tales of momentary sports glory. If you've got a video of your own brush with athletic greatness, send it to [email protected], subject: Glory Days. Consider this one a very special episode: a former child star reminiscing about his big sports moment on ...
The NFL Draft Has Eaten The World
Drew Magary's Thursday Afternoon NFL Dick Joke Jamboroo runs every Thursday during the NFL season. Buy Drew's book, The Postmortal, through here. Find more of his stuff at his Twitter feed. ...
Jack Black Has Overdosed On Himself
There is a moment, I think, when an actor's persona becomes so chiseled and locked-in that it's impossible to accept that person as an actor anymore; he's a movie star now, and that's all he will ever be again. This is not to say this movie star cannot be effective in a film; Tom Cruise hasn't been ...
Here's How Racists On Twitter Reacted to Joel Ward's Series-Winning Goal Against Boston
Joel Ward is a light-scoring winger for the Capitals, who was in the right place and the right time to put home the overtime series-winner to send Washington past Boston in game 7. Completely unrelated, for most of us, is that Ward's parents were Barbadian immigrants to Toronto. So there were a good...