um Page 209 - Sports News, Headlines & Highlights
Newt Gingrich Is In A Dark Place<em></em>
Newt, my boy. My dear, morally bankrupt Newt. What did Mr. Trump do to you? Did he hurt you? You can tell us. You don’t have to do this....
Barry Switzer Was Just Fucking With Everyone When He Said He Met With Donald Trump
Former NFL coach Barry Switzer was spotted walking into Trump Tower in New York City a few weeks ago, and because President-elect Donald Trump has gone about filling his cabinet with ghouls, hacks, and the heinously unqualified, nobody thought twice when Switzer told reporters he was there to meet w...
The Year In Ted Cruz Humiliations
There’s never exactly a good time to be Ted Cruz. His mannerisms are stilted, his friends are nonexistent, and he has far more skin than any one human should ever possess. There are, however, less-bad times to be Ted. And 2016 was not one of those years....
Here's How You Drain The Swamp
After promising to “drain the swamp,” Donald Trump has assembled a leadership team of billionaires, bankers, hedge fund guys, and the power-mad detritus of the Republican party. Sad! We could still drain that swamp with a couple of easy rules. ...
Trump Nominates Florida Panthers Owner As Secretary Of The Army
President-elect Donald Trump announced today that he intends to nominate billionaire Florida Panthers owner and army veteran Vincent Viola as the Secretary of the Army, a non-cabinet level position. The Panthers said Viola’s appointment will not change anything about the team’s day-to-day operations...
Dispatches From The War On Marching Bands
America’s War on Marching Bands continues apace. The Rice MOB angered Baylor fans with a Title IX-themed show. The Stanford Band was suspended for the semester, which they maintain is about the school prioritizing its image over student life. And now the Columbia University Marching Band, of which I...
Two Random Dudes Started A Twitter Rumor About The Vikings Sheltering The Homeless And A Lot Of People Bit
For a few hours yesterday, word raced around Twitter—and, ever-so-briefly, onto the blogs—that the Vikings would be opening up their stadium as a homeless shelter on a night of subzero temperatures in the Twin Cities. It wasn’t true, but everyone really, really wanted it to be. And in the end, isn’t...
Jamoke Running For Mayor Of Omaha: Let's Build An NFL Stadium
Taylor Royal, a 26-year-old accountant who is running as a Republican in Omaha, Nebraska’s mayoral election, has a really stupid idea:...
The Government Is Out Of The Equality Business
After the financial crisis and the Occupy era, “inequality” became a mainstream political issue. And the Obama administration made some quantifiable progress. Now? Prepare for the reverse. ...
May This Philadelphia Opossum Bring You Holiday Cheer
This is Gary. Say hi to Gary. Merry Christmas Gary, you trashcat (his words, not mine, although I’d use the same words)....
Daddy Trump Let Lil' Donnie Pick The Interior Secretary Most Likely To Let Him Kill Things<em></em>
Donald Trump Jr., an avid hunter and even more avid hunting message board user, will officially be taking over the family business come inauguration day. This means that there’s absolutely no world in which Don Jr. should be meddling in his father’s pending presidency whatsoever. Except, apparently,...
Is This What We Want?
Ultimately, we are the ones who decide what we will demand from the people we put into power. Which is why we will always get what we deserve. ...
Soccer Guy Loses Mind After Game, Suddenly Thinks He's In A Kung Fu Movie
Look closely and you can see the exact moment that Mumbai City striker Thiago Cunha, mere moments after losing on aggregate to Atlético de Kolkata in the Indian Super League semifinals, completely forgets that he’s in a soccer game and instead becomes convinced that he’s the star of some martial art...
San Diego City Council Members Righteously Own Chargers President Dean Spanos
In November, San Diego residents voted against ballot Measure C, which would have provided the San Diego Chargers with $1.15 billion in taxpayer money for the purpose of building a new football stadium. It was the voters’ way of telling Chargers owner Dean Spanos to stop asking for handouts and to f...
Oakland City Council Approves Framework Of NFL Stadium Plan
Oakland is one step closer to helping Mark Davis pay for an NFL stadium. The Oakland City Council and Alameda County Board of Supervisors both voted to approve the framework of a plan that would require that Oakland pay $200 million and give up a $150 million piece of land. The County Board vote pas...
Lakers Decide Not To Stay At Trump-Branded Hotel Over "Security Concerns"
According to a report from the Los Angeles Times, the Los Angeles Lakers will not be staying at the Trump SoHo hotel this week. They were initially scheduled to stay there in advance of their game in Brooklyn against the Nets on Wednesday, but they decided not to because of “security concerns.” Supp...
Triple H: Donald Trump Is Unclear On Whether Wrestling Is Real<em></em>
Back in 2007, WWE ran a storyline that culminated with CEO Vince McMahon being blown up in a limo. You don’t need me to tell you that McMahon is still alive and was not actually blown to pieces, because you aren’t a moron who thinks wrestling is real. Apparently, the same cannot be said for our futu...
Rick Perry's Glasses Qualify Him For Important Science Post, Building Nukes<em></em><em></em>
Rick Perry, a swaggering idiot who found a pair of glasses on the street one day, is about to become the head of the Department of Energy, according to CBS News. The Department of Energy’s job right now is to develop the next generation of nuclear weapons. What this means practically speaking, of co...
Shea McClellin Pulled Off A Perfect Leap Over The Ravens' Offensive Line
Malcolm Butler made a perfect deflection on third down to put the Ravens’ best player (kicker Justin Tucker) on the field for a 34-yard field goal attempt. Tucker missed his first field goal attempt of the year on the attempt, but it was through no fault of his own. Patriots linebacker Shea McClelli...