um Page 229 - Sports News, Headlines & Highlights
So, Uh, Rio's Doping Lab Just Got Shut Down
I’m usually cynical about the chicken-little claims that a given Olympics is going to be a disaster. Biennially, everyone spends the run-up to the games fretting, and then the games go off largely hitchless. (And then the disaster strikes as the mountain of debt.) But Rio de Janeiro sure is doing it...
Donald Trump Was A Youth Baseball Shithead
The Washington Post has a long, revealing feature about the childhood of Donald Trump, an extremely rude ham hock. We’re most interested in the section that deals with Trump’s childhood love of baseball, and the description of what kind of player he was....
Proposed Las Vegas Raiders Stadium Would Cost Taxpayers A Record $750 Million
Oakland lawmakers have stood firm, refusing to pay a dime in public money toward a new stadium for the Raiders. Because this is how things work now, rather than obtain private financing, or sell the team, or continue to play in the Coliseum, owner Mark Davis is waiting to be wooed by relocation opti...
J.R. Smith Signed The Pipe
Cavaliers guard J.R. Smith, noted pipe-giver, is on one hell of a post-Finals victory lap. After spending the majority of the last few days shirtless, he is now indulging silly and hilarious autograph requests:...
Paul Emmel's Head Cracked Open By Bat
Jefry Marte lost the handle on his bat late in tonight’s loss to the A’s, and it delivered an enormous gash to umpire Paul Emmel’s head. Emmel left the game, leaving a shorthanded crew to call the final out....
"Unprecedented" Clause In Rangers Ballpark Deal Will Sneakily Cost Taxpayers A Few More Hundred Million Dollars
The Texas Rangers are getting a new stadium, because duh, who wants to play in an obsolete 22-year-old ballpark? The official announcement said the costs of the billion-dollar stadium will be split right down the middle. “The deal is 50-50,” Arlington Mayor Jeff Williams claimed. “The city would put...
The Warriors, Uh, Reportedly Want Dirk Nowitzki
The NBA Finals have come and gone, and it’s now officially NBA silly season, a wonderful time for fake trades to surface, GMs to draft mysterious Surinamese power forwards, and outlandish free agency plots to bloom and die. If you’re a fan of a dogshit team, this is your Christmas. Your team is tota...
Swiss Player On Team's Easily Ripped Shirts: "I Hope Puma Does Not Produce Condoms"
Puma, the producer of a skintight product worn during physical activity to protect the wearer from the hazardous aspects of said activity without inhibiting performance or pleasure, was embarrassed this weekend when the shirts they made for the Swiss national team repeatedly tore in the heat of the ...
The Cardinals Lost Their 33rd Game
Jurickson Profar’s two-RBI single with the bases loaded in the eighth inning gave the Texas Rangers a lead they wouldn’t relinquish Sunday, as they beat the St. Louis Cardinals, 5-4....
UK Pols Believe Russian Hooligans Who Put Two England Fans Into Comas Were Working On Putin's Orders
The British government believes Russian hooligans who beat the hell out of England fans in Marseille—putting two of them into comas—were acting at Vladimir Putin’s command as part of his “hybrid warfare” campaign....
The Cardinals Lost Their 32nd Game
A late-innings meltdown by the Cardinals bullpen allowed Texas to surge past St. Louis for a 4-3 win on Saturday, ruining a marvelous seven innings of shutout pitching by Carlos Martínez....
The Cardinals Lost Their 31st Game
St. Louis managed just three hits and squandered a marvelous Michael Wacha performance in losing to the Texas Rangers last night, 1-0....
The Cardinals Lost Their 30th Game
George Springer and Carlos Gomez took advantage of a shaky St. Louis Cardinals bullpen Wednesday as the Houston Astros beat the Redbirds, 4-1....
Are You Ready For Unbearable Trade Rumor Season?
Listen, can you hear it? A faint whisper grows louder. “The Cubbies could use another bat on the bench.” it says. “Why not trade for Andrew McCutchen?”...
The Cardinals Lost Their 29th Game
The St. Louis Cardinals had their five-game winning streak snapped Tuesday night as the Houston Astros beat them, 5-2....
Gigi Buffon Busts His Ass Celebrating Italy's Win
Careful, old man. Your back at 38 isn’t as resilient as it was at 18. Here’s a couple more angles of Buffon’s fall:...
Marouane Fellaini's Hair Is Real Bad
Regular Fellaini hair: cool. Fellaini hair dunked in a vat of peroxide so that it loses its appealing form and texture and instead resembles an stringy mass of nasty yellow cotton candy: uncool. Stay cool, Fellaini....
World Cup Host Country Jails Dutch Rape Victim On Adultery Charges
FIFA remains committed to hosting the 2022 World Cup in Qatar, where a projected 7,000 slaves will die in the process of constructing facilities funded by Coca-Cola, McDonald’s, and Anheuser-Busch. But the atrocious human rights situation in that country extends beyond the laborers shanghaied into b...
Big Ben Says Trump Full Of Shit; Did Not Endorse, Will Not Speak At GOP Convention
Ben Roethlisberger is scrambling in the pocket as the Steelers quarterback denies Donald Trump after the Republican candidate claimed he had the Steelers quarterback’s endorsement and planned to have Big Ben speak at the GOP convention....
Donald Trump Plans Tom Brady, Ben Roethlisberger, Dana White To Speak On His Behalf At GOP Convention
If Donald Trump gets his way the GOP convention will feature Tom Brady, Ben Roethlisberger, and Dana White speaking on the Republican nominee’s behalf rather than the usual string of politicians....