ump Page 64 - Sports News, Headlines & Highlights
You Don’t Scare Me, Snow
By now, you are probably aware that the East Coast is about to get murdered with 50 tons of acid methane snow over the weekend. You know this because people who live on the East Coast believe that their weather is EVERYONE’S weather....
Bill Belichick On How He Hurt His Eye: "Great"
Patriots head coach Bill Belichick was feeling extra grumpy at this morning’s press conference. He opened with a short statement on the Chandler Jones situation, and then got snippy with reporters who kept asking him about it:...
How Alabama Pulled Off The Perfect Onside Kick
Alabama, it will not surprise you if you know Nick Saban’s near-sociopathic attention to detail, had been practicing precisely that onside kick every week since August. But it wasn’t until long film study had identified a potential weakness in Clemson’s kick return coverage, and firsthand observatio...
Trump Endorses Brain Damage In Speech That Claims Football, Like America, Has Gone "Soft"
Donald Trump ranted at length today during a Reno campaign stop about how “soft” he believes the game of football has become, pointing to last night’s Steelers-Bengals game as an illustration of how player-safety rules are ruining America....
911 Operator Walks Iman Shumpert Through His Daughter's Birth
Last week, we were treated to the story of Cavaliers swingman Iman Shumpert channeling MacGyver in order to help his wife, Teyana Taylor, give birth to their daughter in the bathroom. Thanks to the Daily Mail, we now have audio of a 911 operator walking Shumpert through the process....
Tom Brady Is A Hilarious Moron
There was an old episode of The Larry Sanders Show that aired right during the peak of the O.J. Simpson murder trial hysteria. And in the episode, Hank Kingsley (as played by the brilliant Jeffery Tambor) tells the rest of the staff that he thinks O.J., his neighbor, is innocent of murder. Why? Beca...
Iman Shumpert Is A Baby-Deliverin' MacGyver
Cavaliers swingman Iman Shumpert’s wife, Teyana Taylor, just posted a rather incredible birth announcement on her Instagram page:...
Tom Brady Leaves Press Conference After Two Questions About His Friendship With Donald Trump
This morning’s cover of the New York Daily News features the headline “BRADY HAS NO BALLS” over a picture of New England Patriots quarterback Tom Brady standing with rancid salmon filet Donald Trump, whom Brady has previously called a “great friend” while saying it “would be great” if Trump became p...
Tom Brady On Donald Trump: "He's A Good Friend Of Mine ... I Support All My Friends"
Patriots quarterback Tom Brady appeared for his regular interview on Dennis & Callahan this morning, and actually had to face a question about Donald Trump, a toupee someone found in a garbage can and stapled to a sweet potato. Brady did a good job of not providing an actual answer. When one of the ...
Dana White: I'm Voting For Donald Trump
I mean, look, as a fight fan and as an American I feel like I should question why anyone would care about who Dana White is voting for; go on about why Dana White shouldn’t be okay with a guy who’s been in the news for wanting to ban Muslims from the United States; muse on whether publishing an item...
CNN Makes Charles Barkley Talk Politics To Promote Debate; Chuck Trashes "Awful" CNN
CNN is the home of next week’s Republican debate, and tonight’s ever-encroaching instance of corporate synergy found Turner’s Charles Barkley being forced, hostage-proof-of-life style, to talk politics. And talk he did, slamming Donald Trump and trashing CNN—saying the network has “done an awful job...
Muslim Sports Heroes Kareem Abdul-Jabbar And Muhammad Ali Condemn Donald Trump
A flopped-over traffic cone named Donald Trump who is uncomfortably close to controlling America’s nuclear arsenal has spent the last several days whipping up a xenophobic frenzy against Muslims, and among other things expressed bafflement at the possibility that there existed Muslim sports heroes....
We Will Pay The Reporter Who Asks Tom Brady About His Friend Donald Trump’s Plan To Ban Muslims
Yesterday, Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump called on the United States to ban all Muslims, including American citizens, from entering the country. Deadspin will pay $100 to the first reporter who asks Patriots quarterback Tom Brady, who said three months ago that “it would be great” i...
Donald Trump Wants To Know If There Are Any Muslim Athletes
In a televised speech last night, United States President Barack Obama mentioned that many of our greatest athletes are Muslim. This caused Donald Trump, a fascist golem made of flypaper, to be like, “What Muslims?!?!”...
It's Almost Thanksgiving, So Bake A Delicious Pie!
If your contribution to Thanksgiving dinner is usually a bottle of wine you grabbed on your way over to your aunt’s house, it’s time to step things up a bit. Put your freeloading holiday tradition behind you, and put on your chef’s hat, because today we’re going to teach you about pride and baking a...
Frozen-Food Smackdown: Totino's Pizza Rolls Vs. Hot Pockets Snack Bites
Dweezil Zappa’s dad memorably declared that a country’s legitimacy is predicated upon its having its own airline and its own beer, and maybe a football team and a nuclear arsenal for good measure. With all due respect to the groovy and departed, I’d like to suggest that in this more enlightened age,...
A Guide To Cleaning Every Possible Halloween Mess (Including Fake Blood)
Jolie Kerr is a cleaning expert and advice columnist. She’ll be here every other week helping to answer your filthiest questions. Are you dirty? Check the Squalor Archive for assistance. Are you still dirty? Email her....
This Is The Best New Pumpkin Beer
Booze and leisure bloggers have no need for calendars, but we do require many of the same ointments, detergents, and jerkies that bring the rest of you into Walgreen’s on a regular basis. That trip is also how I know that Halloween hasn’t passed yet: The salted-pomegranate candy corn has yet to give...