w Page 4967 - Sports News, Headlines & Highlights
The Joy And Despair Of Two New York Pitching Debuts
So as we check in this morning on the great city and state of New York, we see much wailing and gnashing of teeth over the daring Joba-Chamberlain-as-a-starter experiment (he flew too close to the sun on mashed potato wings), and great rejoicing over the return of Pedro Martinez. Joba lasted just 2...
About Last Night
What you missed when the police took the plasma TV from your prison cell ... • MLB: The Radhames Liz Era has begun. Orioles 5, Twins 3. • NHL: Red Wings' explanation for Game 5 loss to Penguins: It was the refs' fault, of course. • Womens softball: How could you pitch to Kaitlin Cochran? Fools! Ariz...
To Watch Tonight
What to watch after meeting a black guy ... • College Softball: Women's College World Series, at Oklahoma City, Championship Series, Game 2, Texas A&M vs. Arizona State (8 p.m., ET). The only game in town, at least until the Sonics arrive. [ESPN2] • WNBA: Washington Mystics at Phoenix Mercury (10:30...
Peter Warrick Is Still Bitter About The Heisman Trophy
So, what has Peter Warrick been up to? Well, as you might suspect, he's floating around the Canadian Football League, training with the Montreal Alouettes. And he's still grouchy about how his American football career went down....
Sykora Calls His Shot
The NHL Closer is written by five insomniacs from Melt Your Face Off. We blame overtime hockey and copious amounts of caffeine for our condition. Raskolnikov downed two cases of Mountain Dew to recapitulate last night's epic thriller....
To Watch Tonight
What to watch while smoking, um, what is that again? ... • Arena Football: New York at Colorado (10:30 p.m., ET). Did you know that Kurt Warner is on the Dragons' roster? In case it doesn't work out with the Cardinals ... [ESPN2] • College Softball: Women's College World Series, at Oklahoma City, Ch...
University Of Nevada's Football Players Lack Adequate Driver Designation Skills
Here's a brilliant display of a group of collegiate athletes woeful abandonment of alcohol-imbibing responsibility, as three University of Nevada football players were pinched over the Memorial Day weekend for DUIs, including senior wide receiver, Mike McCoy, pictured holding the ball in a less ine...
Terrell Owens Can't Seem To Avoid Getting Photographed Near Jiggling Buttocks
Last we'd heard from Terrell Owens, he was angrily unleashing his lawyers upon the BangBros. after his photo "accidentally" showed up in the promo for "Spring Break Ass," the story of a spunky college co-ed and her fluffy badonka-donk's Miami misadventures....
The Patriots High School Cheerleader Baffles Those Wanting To Accurately Leer
From the booby-centric miscreants over at Busted Coverage comes another time-wasting exercise that guarantees you will spend an unhealthy amount of time anaylzing teenage girls on the internet. The New England Patriots announced their 2008 cheerleading squad and one of the newest members is curren...
Woody Paige Would Like To Trade Matt Holliday For Magic Beans
We've certainly made fun of Woody Paige for a while around these parts, but we've still given him a level of esteem and prestige above that of a random late-night talk-radio caller. But considering the amount of basic understanding (or lack thereof) of how the operation of a baseball team works he s...
About Last Night
What you missed while attending a beauty pageant with Ronaldo ... • MLB: Santana makes it to 100, says he owes it all to clean living. Mets 6, Dodgers 1 • Tennis: If your name has vic on the end of it, congratulations. • Motor sports: Ryan Briscoe goes very fast, wins big trophy....
To Watch Tonight
What to watch while keeping your opinions to yourself......
Enterprising Red Wings Fan Finds Clever Way To Give The Penguins More Money
19-year-old Zach Smith, native of Cleveland but lover of the Red Wings, devised an ingenious scheme that would not only allow him to throw an octopus on the ice of Mellon Arena last night before Game 4 but still be able to watch the game after he got tossed. His very canny, super savvy plan: buy an...
Jimmy Rollins Is Recognizable
The Gray Lady has an amusing piece today limning a day in the life of the slavering subhuman horde that is the habitual autograph hound. The column tags them as "Sharpie-wielding stalkers," which might be a terrible slight to stalkers everywhere. I mean, at least most stalkers know who they're purs...
Manny's 500th Homer Inspires Bouts Of Tumbling
If you don't properly fumigate for Red Sox fans, they'll show up in droves at your stadium. Take cautionary measures, people. That was the case last night at Camden Yards, as the vermin all packed in for a chance to see Manny Ramirez's 500th homaaaahhh. And the high-fivin' one came through. One guy ...
Never Again Will I Trifle With Nightmare Shark
It looks like we're back in commission (I think, I hope) after a nice 20-hour ravaging by, uh, well, I'm not quite sure. Nibbles might have been frightened off by the shark photo. Look, it's involved, confusing stuff. They only pay me to post dick jokes and monkey pictures....
The Size Of Zyg Gregorek's Boat Is Just Fine, Thanks
If you're searching for the world's greatest fisherman look no further. And here I thought it was the guy on the Gorton's fishsticks box. Anyway, a British angler has caught nine species of shark, including the great white, which led some international organization of big-game fishermen to dub him t...
Whitlock Says No Tattoos, No Fat Chicks Equals Ratings Bonanza
Jason Whitlock has a new column fortified with eight types of essential craziness, arguing that one of the main reasons ratings are up for the NBA Playoffs is that many of the teams that hung around are devoid of tattoo-clad ruffians and street toughs. Another shocking revelation: fat people have se...