“We were fucking so hard and I head-butted her in the head.”

Alabama’s 25th-ranked team faced off against Minnesota in one of today’s marquee men’s basketball games, only to see its entire bench ejected after this brouhaha that, after another foul and an injury, left the team to play more than ten minutes with just three players. AND THEY CAME BACK.

When I was a little kid, my parents got me a Monday Night Football video game for the PC. It was no Tecmo Bowl, but it was great. What I liked even more about it was what it came with: A 45-minute VHS tape about the then-20-year history of MNF. I must’ve watched that tape 100 times.

I’m just minding my business watching the biggest sporting event of the day—Peñarol vs. Defensor in the Uruguayan Primera Division, of course—and on comes this ad for a Miami-based company that promises to improve your child’s soccer abilities through DNA sequencing of his or her genome.

The World Taekwondo Federation has changed its name to “World Taekwondo” in response to the “negative connotations” associated with its former name’s initials, according to this BBC report:

Tonight’s interim IBF World super middleweight title bout between José Uzcátegui and Andre Dirrell ended in bizarre fashion, with Dirrell earning a win by DQ after being knocked out by Uzcategui by a punch the referee determined to have come after the bell to end the eighth round. That was weird enough, but then one…

Bruno de Souza is the latest player signed by second-tier Brazilian side Boa Esporte. He’s made his name tending goal for prominent Brazilian teams like Flamengo and Atlético Mineiro—and also for being sentenced in 2013 to 22 years in prison after he was found guilty of arranging the murder of Eliza Samudio, his…

During a soccer match near Tulancingo, Mexico (about 120 kilometers northeast of Mexico City) between amateur sides Canarios-Rojo Gomez and Lindavista, one of the players drew a red card from referee Victor Trejo.

Kevin Durant has agreed to return to the Oklahoma City Thunder, according to a CBS Sports report this morning that either features people broadcasting from the future or reporting a story before it actually happened.

Kevin Durant has agreed to a max deal with the Golden State Warriors, according to a CBS Sports report this morning that either features people broadcasting from the future or reporting a story before it actually happened.

Kevin Durant has agreed to a max deal with the Boston Celtics, according to a CBS Sports report this morning that either features people broadcasting from the future or reporting a story before it actually happened.

There are some truly fucked up reports of snowmobile dog murder out of Alaska early this morning.

Look, we have a fun new picture. It’s of our friend, Sergio Agüero. And his friend, UK Prime Minister David Cameron. And their other friend, Chinese President Xi Jinping. Big smiles all around.