yo Page 339 - Sports News, Headlines & Highlights

Root For The Cubs In The Playoffs

The Chicago Cubs had the best record—103 wins, 58 losses—in major league baseball this season. They won the NL Central by a ridiculous 17.5 games over the butt St. Louis Cardinals. They outscored their opponents by a whopping 252 runs. And I never watched them even once! Here’s why you should root f...

Root For The Nationals In The Playoffs

Bottom line for the 2016 postseason: A Nats title would accomplish what Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump both promise but could never actually deliver. It would change the culture of Washington....

Alleged Beer-Throwing Blue Jays Fan Turns Himself In

Ken Pagan, the man identified by the Toronto Police Service as the dreaded beer thrower, turned himself in to police this afternoon around 7:15 p.m. Eastern Time. Per a release from the TPS, he has been arrested and charged with mischief....

Still Unclear About Whether My Eyes Are Deceiving Me Or Not

TBS broadcasts MLB’s postseason each year, despite only carrying a few baseball broadcasts during the regular season. The network’s inability to do anything right produces embarrassing errors each season, and the one above is just one of at least four they’ve aired just tonight....

Indians Slap Three Dongs In Nine Pitches

The Cleveland Indians were down a run to the Boston Red Sox in the third inning of this evening’s game. Within a nine-pitch span, they went from trailing 2-1 to leading 4-2 after Roberto Pérez, Jason Kipnis, and Francisco Lindor all slapped solo dongs to right field....

French Announcer Absolutely Loses His Shit Calling Melvin Upton Jr.'s Big Dinger [Update]

Zut alors! Le dinger!!!...

Jane Doe Testifies About The Night She Says Derrick Rose Raped Her [Updated]

Jane Doe, the woman who alleges that New York Knicks guard Derrick Rose and two friends raped her in 2013 and is suing them in civil court in Los Angeles, testified today that she doesn’t remember much about that night. She does remember having a lot to drink during the night, several shots of vodka...

Chobani Sucks

Just now, I was walking through Union Square and got a free promotional Noosa™ Yogurt, a tasty treat. And what did I get from Chobani? Nothing. Fuck Chobani....

Root For The Indians In The Playoffs<em></em>

Welcome to the American League Central Division, home of the Cleveland Indians. Each year, one team from this division is selected completely at random to compete in the playoffs. If you are a fan of a team in the AL Central, where chaos rules, nothing surprises you. You would not be surprised, for ...

Root For The Rangers In The Playoffs

The Texas Rangers finished with a 95-67 record, winning the AL West while nine games clear of the second-place Seattle Mariners. The lack of competition within the division, and thus the lack of a late-season race for the playoffs, may have kept the Rangers mostly off your radar this season. Now’s ...

I Still Can't Believe Madison Bumgarner Is Real

I’m largely fine with MLB’s play-in game, but there remains something almost cosmically unfair about having to win a one-game series when the opposing team can start Madison Bumgarner. ...

Madison Bumgarner Remains A Postseason Demigod

The San Francisco Giants are headed to the NLDS once again, after Madison Bumgarner shut down the Mets and the offense managed a lone moment of competence tonight to get the team a 3-0 win. The Even Year Gods have smiled down on the Giants once again, and they’re headed to Chicago just a few short w...

The Derrick Rose Trial Is Already Getting Intense

After a day and a half of jury selection, the Derrick Rose civil trial finally made its way today to opening statements. According to reports from the courthouse, things got intense almost immediately. Jane Doe’s lawyer Waukeen McCoy gave a very graphic description of the alleged gang rape, the New ...

Here's The Guy That Toronto Police Say Threw A Beer On The Field Last Night [Update]

It looks like a ghost was, in fact, not responsible for throwing that beer can at Hyun Soo Kim last night. This afternoon, the Toronto Police released a photo of the guy they say did it, and he looks like a henchman of ill repute. They released a short statement along with the photo:...

This Is The Closest We've Gotten To Finding The Beer-Throwing Blue Jays Fan

The police have not yet identified the shithead Blue Jays fan that tossed a beer at Hyun Soo Kim last night, who the team said was able to slink off into the night before security could apprehend them. This, despite the rigorous work done by certified expert internet investigators such as myself. Wh...

We’re simulating tonight’s National League wild card game between the Giants and the Mets in Baseball Stars for NES, and it’s LIVE:...

Root For The Mets In The Playoffs

The 2015 National League champions coasted on a sea of subpar second-place teams to home field advantage in the bullshit crapshoot that is the one-game wild card playoff (can’t wait!). More than half of their Opening Day bevy of shampoo-commercial starters have been sidelined with injury but between...

Root For The Giants In The Playoffs

Here we are again. ...

Buck Showalter Fucked Up

I watched Buck Showalter neglect to use his lights-out closer in the ninth and tenth and eleventh innings of a tied, loser-goes-home baseball game, and I watched it work for two of those innings! All I can say is: I’ve seen people at the blackjack table hit on 17 and get 21, too. I’ve never seen any...