Because no one reads the newspaper, and SportsCenter's anchors are too perky for this early in the morning, Deadspin combs the best of the broadsheets and internets to bring you everything you need to know to start your day.
* You already know Loek van Mil, the tallest player in professional baseball. Now meet his teammate/crime fighting partner, Chris Cates. At 5-foot-3, he is allegedly the shortest player in professional baseball and they both got called up to the New Britain Rock Cats together. This one's for you, Manute. [NBC Connecticut]
* L.A.-Boston. Philly-Chicago? Is there a meat slicer I can stick my head in until June is over with? [USA Today/Reading Eagle/Yahoo]
* A Cubs fan walking outside Wrigley Field was stuck by a flying car wheel. A helpful Aramis Ramírez tried to deflect the wayward object out of harm's way, but he swung and missed. [NBC Chicago]
* David Price is 6-0 and Tampa Bay is awesome. I hope the angry Devil Rays (that's right; I said it) fan who emailed me yesterday appreciates this, because I'm doing it as hard as I can. [MLB.com]
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Let's put this all behind us and move on before the sun starts to shine.