Sports News Without Fear, Favor or Compromise
Sports News Without Fear, Favor or Compromise

Taylor Heinicke was a revelation, but we’re not rooting for him again

Taylor Heinicke was fun until he got milkshake ducked in record time.
Taylor Heinicke was fun until he got milkshake ducked in record time.
Image: Getty Images

Taylor Heinicke started at quarterback for the Washington Football Team when Alex Smith was unable to go, and the 27-year-old from Old Dominion, who less than a year ago was the backup for the St. Louis Battlehawks of the XFL was incredible. Too good to be true, really.

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As detailed on NBC, Heinicke is still finishing up his degree at Old Dominion, and has been taking online math classes. Some more basic numbers than the ones he studies are that before Saturday night, he’d thrown 77 passes in the NFL, with Houston in 2017, Carolina in 2018, and Washington this season. Heinicke had thrown two touchdowns and three interceptions.

So, after appearing in just one game this season, Heinicke was in the starting lineup for the Football Team team that was 7-9 this season, and what did he do? Oh, he just went 26-for-44 for 306 yards, a touchdown, an interception, and a thrilling run for a score, to boot.

Hardly anyone in America expected Heinicke and the Football Team to have a chance for a tying touchdown on their last possession, but there they were, with that very opportunity. And while it didn’t work out, Washington beat the spread and unearthed a new folk hero. Everyone loves him. He’s very special. Oh… oh no… what was that part earlier about “too good to be true?”

Yeah, he’s a full-on MAGA dude who did the whole routine of pointing to violence in Chicago as if that excuses police murdering innocent civilians.

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Tom Brady was also in this game and set some kind of old-man record. Whatever, he beat a 7-9 team quarterbacked by some MAGA doofus who couldn’t even get in an XFL lineup.


LaMelo Ball became the youngest player in NBA history to record a triple-double, according to the title of this video from the NBA, which shows Ball’s highlights. Sidenote: He did this coming off the bench!

He’s a lot of fun! That’s way better than watching a football game for three hours, rooting for some guy you’d never heard of before, seeing him do great but ultimately fall short, then learning that you never would’ve wanted to root for that guy in the first place.

Sorry to all the other Jesse Spectors for ruining your Google results.