Mike Trout, Mookie Betts, Trea Turner, Nolan Arenado, Pete Alonso, Paul Goldschmidt, Kyle Schwarber. With a roster like that, you’d expect Team USA Baseball to dominate every game they play. They’re totally going to destroy Great Britain this Saturday in their first game of the World Baseball Classic, but fans were dying to see this roster in action before that game, and that wish was granted as they took on the San Francisco Giants in an exhibition match yesterday.
Oh, well... uh... that was unexpected. Now, obviously, this game doesn’t mean anything, so who cares that they lost, but it’s still shocking that it happened, and by a decent margin too. It’s not like Team USA wasn’t trying. Miles Mikolas was the starter, and even once he got pulled after 2.2 innings, he was replaced by star relievers David Bednar, Adam Ottavino, and Ryan Pressly. Team USA’s lineup included Betts, Trout, Goldschmidt — who was responsible for the team’s only run — and most of the team’s starting lineup.
What’s even more embarrassing is that this is the Giants we’re talking about. Through spring training, their record is 3-9. In those three wins, their combined run differential is +4. They matched that total in their lone game against Team USA. Each of the Giants’ last four spring training games have been losses by four or more runs. They have been horrendous this spring, but when the Goliath that is the Team USA lineup challenges them, suddenly they turn into their early 2010s dynasty? Maybe Team USA just sucks.
Thankfully, Team USA’s next exhibition looked a little better, with Nolan Arenado hitting a grand slam to put the United States on the board.
They’re doing better than they were last night and that’s good news for us Americans. Could you imagine the disgrace our country would feel if we lost to Great Britain in baseball? We’d have to disband the nation after such an embarrassment. That would be nearly as bad as if England had to settle for a tie against the U.S. in soccer. Unfortunately, that has never happened, and definitely didn’t happen in the most recent World Cup, right?
Remember after the U.S. tied Wales in pool play and those scallywags across the pond were talking all that shit. What happened afterward, hm? We tied their goofy asses. We got the last laugh. Those redcoats didn’t know what hit them, and Saturday, I expect an absolute bloodbath the Brits haven’t seen since the Battle of Trenton. That said, a sizable loss to the pitiful Giants, who weren’t even playing their full Major League roster doesn’t inspire much confidence.
The Brits want revenge for the embarrassment we handed them on November 25, 2022, and Team USA can’t let that happen. Perhaps it’s best that they lost their first exhibition game. It will remind them that they aren’t untouchable. Even the greatest lineup can be taken down if they drop their guard enough.
Hopefully, Team USA learned their lesson and they will represent us well this weekend. The United Kingdom has never beaten the United States ever. Not in 1776, not in 1812, not in 2022, and it sure as hell won’t happen in 2023. I’m not worried about last night’s loss. It was only meant to give the Brits hope before we drop a 20-burger on them! HUZZAH!