Sports News Without Access, Favor, Or Discretion

Thank You, And Tip Your Servers

For the rest of 2007, the NHL Closer will be written by the fine folks at Melt Your Face Off. Enjoy.

Ladies and gentlemen, we have three really terrific performers lined up for you tonight. So put your hands together and give a big Laugh Shack welcome as they step up to the microphone. All right! Ladies and gentlemen, he's just in from a large East Coast city, give it up for Mr. Observation!

Hey everybody! Great to be here in [city]! You look like a great crowd.

• So what's the deal with icing? I don't get it. Isn't the game played on ice? Isn't everything they do out there somehow "icing"? And what's the deal with that name? Hoc-key? You say hoc-key, I'm thinking pawn shop. You know what they should call the sport? Icing! It makes perfect sense. "See you later, honey, I'm going to play some pickup icing with the guys." You know exactly what's happening! Seriously, they should do that! And what's the deal with all those 3-2 scores? Is that like a Canadian law or something, that every game has to end 3-2? How do they decide who gets 3 and who gets 2? "Hey! We had 2 last night! It's your turn, Boston!" Also scoring 2 were Philadelphia, Toronto, Montreal and Nashville. Nashville? Who gave them an icing team? The lucky teams with 3 were Ottawa, Phoenix, Florida, Carolina and Minnesota. Hey, thanks, everybody!


All, right, put them together one more time for Mr. Observation! Mr. Observation, everybody! Our next comic is either old school or just plain old. Give some Laugh Shack love to Vaudeville Jerry!

• Backup goalies get no respect. No respect, I tell ya. You're sittin on the bench, enjoying the Sid the Kid show, and all of a sudden the No. 1 guy gets hurt and it's you, baby. It's Dany Sabourin time! Then you get no respect from the Rangers. Or from your teammates. Guys, how about putting together more than 18 shots, huh? Hey, speaking of New York, that's where I met my first ex-wife. I used to tell her, "Hey, I thought a married guy was supposed to be able to score regularly." "Oh yeah, who do you think you are, Chris Drury? How about the next time he comes over you can give him an assist?" Now that's where I draw the line. I'll do the laundry and wash the dishes, but I ain't about to be my wife's boyfriend's fluffer.


Once again, ladies and gentlemen, Vaudeville Jerry! And now, what you've all been waiting for, tonight's headliner. Let him know, the [city] Laugh Shack has some serious love for Craps Silicate!

• Hickory dickory dock. Johan Holmqvist ate a cock. He let in 3 goals and got pulled, and Marc Denis was just as not good. And he too ate a giant cock. Ooohh! Recchi and Kozlov went to the net to bang their early goals home. After the game they got six girls' names and gave them all the bone. Hey! Pascal Dupuis had a shorthanded goal, and a shorthanded goal had he. He called for his pipe, he called for his bowl, and he and Kovalchuk smoked some weed.


You've been great everybody! Good night!

Share This Story