It’s the 2009 Hater’s Guide To The Top 25. I know we did this in print form last year, and I wanted to do that again. No one likes a podcast in lieu of a written column. But these NFL previews have gotten in the way, so blame the AFC North for still hanging around. NORTH!
Anyway, Swindle and I go through every team in the Top 25 (including an odd digression outside the top 25 to… Nevada), picking out reasons to hate each and every team listed. Spencer provides the actual football insight, while I ignorantly blast every team, fan, and state in an immature and totally uneducated manner. It’s what I do best. Lest you don’t have time to listen to our full hour of shenanigans, here’s a brief topline of hating every team in your Top 25.
1. Florida: We only touch on them briefly. But that’s still enough time for Shanoff to rub one out to Tebow.
2. Texas: Their students ride on top of dorm elevators. Morons.
3. Oklahoma: Hicks.
4. USC: Douchebags.
5. Alabama: Double hicks. Saban makes secretaries cry, apparently.
6. Ohio State: Ohio.
7. Virginia Tech: Spencer calls Beamer’s burn marks “Jenkins”.
8. Mississippi: Look who’s ranked way too high!
9. Oklahoma State: Spencer declares them the most overrated team in college football. T. Boone Toone P. Wiggins won’t be pleased.
9. (tie) Penn State: Salamander eaters.
11. LSU: Cajuns get far too much credit for having zesty personalities.
12. California: Improperly branded. You’re fucking Berkeley and you’ll like it.
13. Georgia: I thought LAST year was when they were supposed to be decent.
14. Boise State: Secretly harboring Mormons.
15. Georgia Tech: Poindexters.
16. Oregon: Hideous uniforms. Even more hideous defense.
17. TCU: Shockingly likable. Their fans get very drunk. I approve.
18. Florida State: Corso is Bowden’s pegboy.
19. Utah: Definitely harboring Mormons and their child farms.
20. Brigham Young: Ditto.
21. North Carolina: Butch Davis: Honorary ginger kid.
22. Iowa: Won’t eat the rice side of Crispix.
23. Notre Dame: Like you need a reason. FUCK YOU IN THE SHAMROCK.
24. Nebraska: Very nice people. TOO nice. Molester nice.
25. Kansas: You knew Mark Mangino was fat. But did you also know he’s kind of an asshole?
This week’s Deadcast is available for your listening pleasure right here. You can also find the new Deadcast in the iTunes Music Store here. Next week, the Deadcast shifts to all NFL talk, all season long. Dunno who our guest will be yet. Got an email? Send it to me here. Special thanks to Liberated Syndication for hosting us. Now sit back, relax, and get ready for college football. HOORAY!