Augusta National and CBS are going to go out of their way this week to make sure everything is all hunky dory for Tiger Woods. Well, why the fuck should YOU have to cooperate?
This is the most eagerly awaited sports comeback in ages, and the people in charge of it are going to do all they can to make it look like every other boring fucking golf tournament you've ever watched. It's been said that Tiger chose to come back at Augusta because everything can be controlled. Tickets to the Masters are doled out by invite only. CBS bends to Augusta's every whim to broadcast the tournament, even forgoing advertising revenue. And the whole thing is going to presided over by walking soft rock radio station Jim Nantz, the man who said THIS when asked if he though golfers did steroids. I bring this quote up often, because it is completely fucking insane:
I would be shocked if there's anybody in professional golf doing that. Shocked. You hear, "They're hitting it so far." But golfers are not cheats. The guys up on the pedestal in our sport play by the rules. That's unusual in our society. It's beautiful… One guy can cause a scandal. The fans would be devastated. But there's not a scandal and there's not going to be one. We should not even breathe a hint of suspicion; it's a nonissue.
That's right. Jim Nantz believes playing golf somehow grants you more integrity as a human being. The guy is fucking Harvey Penick's pegboy. I hope he gets urineboarded.
Already, you can see CBS taking great pains to make sure this year's Masters carries none of the whiff of Joslyn James' smegma. The promos during the NCAA tournament didn't even show Tiger Woods. They showed Arnold Palmer and Jack Nicklaus. Because that's why you're gonna watch, because those two old assholes used to play in it. Sure.
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People, we don't have to accept this. We do not have to accept that CBS and Augusta will team up to suck all the juiciness out of this event. They may cut away for inordinate amount of time to shots of Bernhard Langer or some other random white prick putting (What the fuck? Go back to Tiger and stay there, you cunts). The club may already be setting up a self-policing, neo-Fascist environment where all the rich dipshit gallery patrons are on the constant lookout for anyone daring to speak up to Tiger and give him his rightful heckling. ZOMG! THAT GUY DIDN'T CLAP! REVOKE HIS PASS AT ONCE, SIRS!
But all it takes it ONE of you. One brave, very drunk person on hand, at Augusta, who found tickets on Stubhub and it willing to forgo all matter of decorum to shout the following things at Tiger Woods as he walks down the fairway:
• "Hey Tiger, try not to fuck anyone on your way to the hole."
• "Wow, you slapped, spanked, bit, and fucked that drive till mercy"
• "Try not to hit the fire hydrant this time, asshole"
You know, classy shit like that. That's right. It's the BALLS DEEP TIGER HECKLING CHALLENGE. If you're at Augusta this weekend, and you have the liquid courage to yell obnoxious shit at Tiger, YOU DO IT. Who gives a shit if you never get invited back? Oh no, you can't ever stand 25 rows back to get a glimpse of Tiger's hat again! NO MORE AZALEAS! THOSE DON'T GROW ANYWHERE ELSE ON EARTH! Suck it up. You see your opening, you fucking take it. And then you email me and tell me about it (I'd tell you to take a photo, but Augusta National doesn't allow cameras, phones, or Jews). Make sure you kick up a real fuss, and then tell security you have Tourette's. Whatever it takes.
Don't let this devolve into just another golf tournament. Give Tiger the public crucifixion America so desperately wants. You know it's the right thing to do. And if Jimmy Nantz doesn't like it, he can go sit on a fucking Taylor Made.