It’s Friday. A glorious weekend of drinking awaits you. You can hardly wait. It’s not five yet, but you yearn to break free of work NOW and drench yourself head to toe in pure Thunderbird.
Yesterday, I noted that Halloween falls on a Saturday this year, and I recklessly declared Saturday the drunkenest day of the week. Ah, but is that always necessarily true? Let’s start this exercise by stating flatly that the best day of the week to get drunk is, of course, ALL OF THEM. There’s no wrong night to get drunk! That’s the beauty of alcoholism! But, for shits and giggles, let’s rank the nights of the week for drinking purposes anyway.
I don’t drink quite as much as I used to. Marriage and kids will do that for you. It’s not that getting married and having kids reduces your desire to drink. Far from it. You parents out there know the exact opposite to be true. BUT… I’m fucking exhausted by 9:00PM every night. Even if I’m drinking, I’m not drinking anywhere near the same amount as I was when I was young and carefree and staying out until 4AM trying to pick up stray pussy. Those are long stretches of drinking I’m too tired to try and match anymore.
But I have plenty of experience drinking and going out on every night of the week. And from all those years of punishing my liver, I offer this hierarchy:
1. THURSDAY NIGHT
Why drink on Thursday Night? Because it’s almost the fucking weekend. Hell, it IS the weekend. You’re only going to work on Friday for posterity. You’re not going to actually do anything once you get there apart from wear sunglasses and pray for grim death. Thursday night is also the best night for TV, which allows for excellent pregame drinking before you go out at 10 or 11. Everyone is fucking jazzed to be out on a Thursday night, getting a head start on their drinking. They’re fresh. They’re excited. They’re ready to fucking destroy themselves. I remember living in New York and having a good number of friends stay in on a Saturday Night because they were so thoroughly ruined from drinking on Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday nights.
2. SATURDAY NIGHT
Why drink on Saturday Night? Because it’s in the Bible. Drinking on Saturday night is also a natural continuance from all the drinking you do during the day on Saturday. No reason to let up. YOU’VE GOT PETTY FISTFIGHTS TO START.
Also, Saturday is by far the best night to do drugs. (NOTE: Daulerio vehemently disagrees with this. And likely knows better.)
3. FRIDAY NIGHT
Why drink on Friday Night? Work is done for the week. Sure, you already unofficially started your weekend the night before. But still, those first ten Dark Horses taste pretty good when you know you don’t have to half-ass it at work the next day.
4. WEDNESDAY NIGHT
Why drink on Wednesday Night? Because the week is half over. So fuck it. Why not down a bottle of Popov and make it all the way the fuck over?
5. MONDAY NIGHT
Why drink on Monday Night? There’s both football AND wrestling on. Plus, if you spent Sunday recovering from all the horrible things you did on WED-SAT nights, you should feel relatively functional again by Monday. No reason to stay that way. Besides, it’s Monday. It blows. You just need to take the edge off. WHAT’S THE BIG DEAL? DON’T FUCKING LOOK AT ME LIKE THAT! I’M A GROWN MAN AND I HAVE THE POWER TO STOP.
6. SUNDAY NIGHT
Why drink on Sunday Night? Because it’s a good night to just mellow the fuck out with a bottle of wine. No need to go out and shit faced. Let’s just take it easy and finish a case of Two Buck Chuck here? It barely counts as drinking.
7. TUESDAY NIGHT
Why drink on Tuesday Night? Because no one sees it coming. And frankly, you may as well. Thursday is only TWO days away.