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The Butterfly Effect Of Draymond Green's Nutshots

Illustration for article titled The Butterfly Effect Of Draymond Green's Nutshots

On his latest podcast, The Vertical’s Adrian Wojnarowski revealed how Kevin Durant’s former Thunder teammates felt about his relationship with Warriors nut-decimator Draymond Green, who had reportedly been recruiting Durant all last season.

Here’s Woj:

I know Russell was bothered by—and some other teammates were too—of, like, there was some knowledge there that Draymond was in contact with Kevin all season long, and they’re in a playoff series and I know there was some conversation around the Thunder team of, “Hey man, this guy kicked Steven Adams in the nuts twice in this series. And what are you doing hanging out with this guy? What’s the relationship? We’re trying to beat these guys.”


I would like to draw your attention to Woj’s assertion that Russell Westbrook and the rest of the Thunder were irked by Durant’s relationship with Green because Green kicked Steven Adams in the nuts two damn times. As you think about that, consider the many times that Draymond Green’s unslakable desire for whacking the testicles of other men has altered the course of NBA—and perhaps human—history.

Consider the following alternate timeline. Let’s say Green never went Karate Kid on Steven Adams’s twig and berries. Let’s say the Thunder still lost to the Golden State Warriors in the Western Conference Finals, but that the absence of Green’s attempted ball murders slightly dampened the animosity felt by the Thunder toward the Warriors. Maybe this prevented Russell Westbrook, enraged at the thought of his teammate being friends with a serial ball mangler, from giving Durant the stinkeye in the locker room after Game 7.

Perhaps it was this stinkeye, and maybe even a late-night text message from Westbrook reading Wanna get lunch tmrw? Lol sike ur prolly hangin out with ur best friend Draymond. What u guys gonna do? Cruise the mall for dicks to punch? Jk. Sry I’ve been drinking. I love u. But fuk u! Seriously that first caused Durant, who we are told is very impulsive when it comes to making decisions, to first consider leaving OKC.


Perhaps a world in which Draymond Green did not decide to play hacky sack with Steven Adams’s sack would be a world in which Kevin Durant is still a member of the Oklahoma City Thunder. Perhaps, my friends! Perhaps!

Now let us turn our attention to the moment Green administered a not-so-friendly tap to LeBron James’s nutsack in Game 4 of the NBA Finals. Surely you’ve considered the likelihood that the Warriors would have won the series if Green had not been suspended for Game 5. But think about the all the other things that would have definitely happened in the days since the end of the Finals, had the Warriors won:

  • Kevin Love’s ass gets traded. To where? The Celtics, obviously, in exchange for Jae Crowder. Love goes on the play the rest of his career in Boston, leading the Celtics to multiple playoff appearances while never getting over the championship hump. He sells five billion jerseys to the Larry Bird-humping fanbase and gets a statue built for him when he retires.
  • But wait! It was a three-team trade. LeBron, deciding that he is sick and tired of the bullshit and just wants to play with his friends now, convinces Boston to send a few draft picks to the Knicks, who then send Carmelo Anthony to the Cavaliers.
  • The Cavs then trade Kyrie Irving to the Clippers for a package including Chris Paul. This convinces Dwyane Wade, who is already extremely pissed off at the Heat, to sign in Cleveland for the mid-level exception. Team Banana Boat is officially assembled!
  • People are so enraged by this latest act of me-first, glory-boy team-building that Donald Trump is elected President of the United States.
  • Team Banana Boat goes 52-30 the following season, loses to the Pacers in the playoffs, and LeBron opts out of his deal in the offseason.
  • Meanwhile, the Thunder have kept Durant and signed Al Horford, and beat the damn brakes off the Warriors in a Western Conference Finals rematch. They sweep the Pacers (sure, why not?) in the Finals, and Russell Westbrook dunks so hard in the final game that he rips the basket stanchion out of the floor.
  • Then there’s a lockout, which lasts until the following December. During this time, LeBron James does a lot of thinking about his legacy and decides that he’s tired of chasing rings and trying to live up to people’s enormously high expectations. A week before the season resumes, he announces his retirement and becomes the new co-host of Live With Kelly Ripa. Skip Bayless responds to the news by appearing as a special guest on All Takes Matter and shrieking until his vocal cords are shredded and blood comes pouring out of his mouth.
  • Draymond Green spends his entire NBA career kicking people in the dick and balls, but is always haunted by a vague feeling of regret, as if the universe is trying to tell him that no matter how many testicles he tries to destroy, they will never be the right testicles. It’s as if there is a part of his soul missing, and he can’t figure out how to get it back. He stays up nights thinking about it. He dies alone and afraid.

Life is crazy, right?

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