The Cleats Everyone Will Wear At The World Cup Seem To Fucking Suck

So our staff illustrator was perusing the sneaker blogs today when he happened upon this neon-yellow/afterbirth abomination: the Nike Magista. These bad boys were first unveiled to the world today in Barcelona, and they're fucking fugly. That's fine; shoes don't have souls and they don't have mirrors, so they're allowed to be fucking fugly. We're not even mad about that.

We're mad because this boot is the dumbest fucking boot ever made. Furthermore, this boot is an abortion of ambition. The goal forever, or for decades, anyway, was to make soccer cleats that fit your foot like a sock. Like a sock. The good folks at Nike decided "Fuck it and fuck you," and turned the entire shoe into a sock with teeth.

There are so many questions. What happens when the shoe gets wet? Can the shoe get wet? Presumably so, but then how is it like a sock? Won't the top of the sock—the cuff, or whatever—lose its elasticity relatively soon? Will the freaky technology involved in these cause mutations? Even if the shoes do actually give you the comfort of a sock, what exactly is the sock part for? Aren't these shoes gonna smell like absolute shit after a couple uses? Won't they stain? Won't they rip easily?

What is this video? What does it even mean?

Ultimately, Nike realizes these questions doesn't matter. They just dropped some new #hotshit, and they're going to put said #hotshit on the feet of their athletes for no charge, and those athletes will invariably dribble and/or shoot and/or score, and people will buy the new, hot shoe-socks.

This isn't hot, though. These are shirseys, but for your feet. Fuck Nike, though, right? Let's just grab some Adidas cleats and—oh? What's that? Adidas has high top shoe-socks?

Adidas has high top shoe-socks.

[ High Snobiety]