The Closer: Can't Anyone Follow A Simple $%#&%! Order?

Notes from a day in baseball:

• 1. Hit Me With Your Best Shot, Fire Away. We were going to say that Ozzie Guillen is on his last nerve, but isn't he always? Let's just say that once again he ordered one of his pitchers to plunk a guy, and once again, well, the opposition remains unplunked. The White Sox beat the Rangers 5-0 on Sunday, but not before Texas pitcher Vicente Padilla hit Alex Cintron in the third inning. Jon Garland, presumably with marching orders from Guillen, responded in the fourth by throwing the first two pitches behind Kinsler. He never ended up hitting him. This sent Guillen into a fit. "This guy (Padilla) is the nastiest pitcher in the league and all of a sudden, he hits someone," Guillen said. "I was upset also because Garland ... missed it. I expect him to do a better job."

• 2. Big Al Welcomes You To The New RFK. Gawd, Washington Nationals fans now have "rally towels." OK, not too original, but they seem to work. During "Grand Re-Opening Weekend" at the newly refurbished RFK Stadium, Alfonso Soriano hit his 31st home run to lead the Nats over the Cubs 7-1, as Washington claimed its first home sweep in more than a year.

• 3. The M-Files. Because the game ended in dramatic fashion, and because we enjoy mentioning J.J. Putz whenever possible, we must report that Richie Sexson's walkoff homer game the Mariners a 9-8 win over the Red Sox at Safeco Field. Thus vindicating Putz, who had given up a tying homer to Jason Varitek in the top of the ninth.

• 4. We've Been Waiting 115 Years For This. Jason Marquis became the NL's first 12-game winner, and Juan Encarnacion popped two homers as St. Louis beat Los Angeles 6-1 on Sunday. It completed the Cardinals' first season sweep over the Dodgers, since, um, ever.

• 5. This Episode Brought To You By The Letter K. Struggling through the current heat wave? Why not visit Jacobs Field, and let the cool breeze of the Indians' bats relieve you? Cleveland hitters truck out 17 times — with Twins' starter Francisco Liriano fanning 10 over five innings — as Minnesota won 3-1 on Sunday.