The Daily Closer: Oh Sammy, You Crazy Nut

Notes from a day in baseball:

• Musn't ... Make ... Cork Joke ... So ... Hard ... . I am, how you say it, hit ball very well ... sorry senator, english not so good ... ees hitting homerunz. I shute now pee in cup? Sammy Sosa hit two homers — Nos 593 and 594 for his career — making Jacobs Field the 44th major league park in which he has gone long. That's a record, folks (the only current stadiums he hasn't homered in are RFK Stadium and the new Busch). But the Rangers still lost to the Indians, 9-4, helped by Trot Nixon's two-run homer in the first. So how do people feel about Sosa these days? Rangers fans don't seem too impressed, since the team has been losing. And all Cubs fans can do is sharpen their garden tools in preparation for their team's trip to Arlington for a three-games series June 19-21. "Excuse me sir, is that a bowling ball with a fuse in it? Yes, step right on board."

• Bird Is The Word. It's a rule as old as comedy itself: never oversell the joke. To hear some people tell it, rookie Phil Hughes was a robot pitcher brought from the distant future to solve all of the Yankees' pitching woes. But on Thursday Toronto's A.J. Burnett was the machine, and Hughes struggled; lasting 4 1/3, giving up seven hits and four earned runs in the Blue Jays' 6-0 win. Burnett went seven shutout innings, and Vernon Wells went 3-for-3. The Yankees, who have lost six straight, now begin a three-game series at home against the Red Sox, which is always fun.

• Wily Go Round In Circles. Oh, speaking of the Red Sox, they've got a little momentum going. Wily Mo Pena had a 430-foot, eighth-inning grand slam that propelled Boston over Baltimore 5-2, making Josh Beckett the majors' first five-game winner.

• Understudy! Because Chris Duncan was stuck in traffic after getting stitches in his head, Skip (4-for-27, .148) Schumaker got the start in left field for the Cardinals. The result? Schumaker had three hits and two RBI to lead our feathered heroes over the Reds, 7-5. Duncan said he bumped his head when he was trying to save time by jumping down the three stairs leading to his apartment door on Thursday morning, which we totally, absolutely believe. He had a pinch-double in the eighth.

• It Goes To Eleven. Mike Redmond's run-scoring single in the 11th won it for the Twins over the Royals, 1-0. Torii Hunter was hit in the mouth by a pitch in the second inning and needed stitches, which is more believable than Chris Duncan's story.