The Great Toronto Swindle

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I bet that neither you nor anyone you know has ever had your seat randomly selected for those jumbotron contests. Well, here's why: Collusion. Cahoots. Flimflammery.

This little story of one fan's brush with the corporate machine that is the Toronto Blue Jays has been making the rounds, and I consider it a public service to bring it to your attention. Also, to crush your childhood dreams of ever winning a lucky seat contest.

This is a long quote, and highly sic'ed because the story needs to be told as is.

During the third inning, my seat, the ticket that I was holding, was written out on the Jumbotron screen as the winner of a promotion in which the lucky ticket holder would receive a game worn jersey off the back of a player in the lineup. They called it The Shirt Off Our Backs promotion, connotating that the Blue Jays would give anything for their fans.

Fuck that shit in the fucking ass!

As a thank you for buying the tickets, I offered the "winning" paper over to Elizabeth, with the condition that she pick John McDonald's sweat-drenched uniform because it would very likely be the last time he suits up for the Blue Jays and plays in Toronto. Her and Macho Man were thrilled at the prospect of winning something at the game, and looked forward to going on the field afterwards to collect their prize and meet the PMoD.

All through our congratulatory commotion, a crazy woman sitting nearby was going on and on about how they had made a mistake and that she was the real winner. We rolled our eyes and looked at each other with that knowing glance that said, "Aw, listen to this old, crazy cuntette going on about her insane delusions. Isn't that almost sweet and not fucking pathetic."

Well, it turns out that she was indeed correct and that we were the ones full of delusions. We deluded ourselves into thinking that tickets were randomly drawn by the fucking ridiculous clowns at Rogers Baseball Operations, and not already pre-selected by staff members.

You see, before the game had even begun the woman was chosen as a winner. I don't know if she was a Rogers employee or what the basis of her selection was, but I do know that being told your ticket was the winner on the fucking Jumbotron in front of 30,000 people who have mostly been led to believe that this was the result of a random draw is meaningless.


A quick trip to guest services, where a kind, but powerless, employee seemed as shocked as we were that the draw wasn't random. She took down our complaint of bullshit shenanigans, perhaps questioning our sanity to herself, and filed it away where it will no doubt sit unanswered until the paper itself decomposes.


I don't know how sinister the random draw was, and the winners may in fact have been random selections, but playing tricks, not only by making the six of us believe we had won something we had no chance of actually winning, but also by misleading an entire stadium full of people into believing that they too could possess a lucky ticket is the type of bush league bullshit you would never imagine happening anywhere outside of fiction.


Oh yeah, some NSFW language. I probably should have mentioned that too. Whatever, you just watched two people doing it in a Cowboys Stadium bathroom. You can handle a little blue language.

Outrage! Fucking Outrage! [Drunk Jays Fans]