By the way, there was an article about Nick Nolte in GQ, and the director of Warrior said he hired Nolte on the condition that Nolte stay clean during the filming. And on the FIRST DAY that Nolte showed up for the shooting, he went out and got completely shitfaced. I hope he shows up to the ceremony covered in feces that aren’t his own.

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Christopher Plummer: Remember when Plummer rocked an eyepatch and quoted Shakespeare in Star Trek VI? I do.

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Yeah, thought you could keep that one in the closet, didn’t you, Plummer? Oh, I remember. I remember that. I remember Counterstrike. I even remember Crackerjack. You don’t do a Thomas Ian Griffith movie (with the immortal line “Cracker, Jack?”) and get away with it, Plummer.

By the way, Beginners is this year’s “movie that gay movie critics love because it’s about gay people without being in your face about being about gay people.” Last year, this slot was occupied by The Kids Are All Right. Some day, one of these movies will win Best Picture and Mark Harris will be able to die happy.

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Jonah Hill: And here I thought that Al Roker would always hold the title of “Most Disturbing Skinny Person.” My mistake.

Kenneth Branagh: From Spencer Hall: “Reliant on the socialist British Actor’s Pension Fund also known as the Harry Potter series. Makes a living off tired British tradition of Shakespearean reinventions. You could call his work ‘Glee For Anglophiles,’ but that would hurt because it’s true and painful. Only got where he was by sucking Emma Thompson’s dick. To be fair, that’s a serious job, but a lifetime in the British theater is the best possible training for this particular Everest.

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“Also, he made Peter’s Friends, the only film that saw The Big Chill and thought, ‘You know what would make this better? Making it about Oxbridge douchebags!’”

Max von Sydow: Did we mention that he played a mute in a 9/11 movie? Nothing screams out “Give me the Alan Arkin token Oscar for an old guy” move like that.

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BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS
Janet McTeer: That Albert Nobbs movie is basically The Help, only all the black people are white people, and all the white people are lesbians.

Melissa McCarthy: I’m not sure we’ve canonized this woman’s eight-minute performance enough. Shouldn’t there be an entire wing of the Smithsonian opened in honor of it? Can’t we send her and Adele around the nation on a barnstorming tour for unconventional-looking women? I know I’d like a few more quotes from people praising Bridesmaids and demanding that you think it’s funny, and not just funny for a chick flick, you know? Because women were always funny, and you’re a disgusting pig for ever having thought otherwise.

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Also, that movie was wayyyyy too long.

Octavia Spencer: Oh look! It’s this year’s “up-and-comer who wins an Oscar with her first performance and then is never heard from again”! Always a fun moment. I look forward to Octavia reprising the role of Minny in the Lifetime TV series spinoff of The Help. It’ll have twice the shit pies AND twice the police beatings!

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Bérénice Bejo: I don’t know who this person is. Why is she hogging all the accent marks? Who the hell does she think she is? Her name sounds like a Parisian churrascaria. Forty years from now, she’ll die and you will skip her obit.

Jessica Chastain: You will NEVER see a more charming miscarriage scene. It’s like the lady who wrote The Help was like, “Well, I’ve managed to trivialize racism, segregation, poverty, sexism, AND domestic abuse. Is there anything I missed? Oh, right. BLEEDING UTERUSES. Check!”

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BEST DIRECTOR
Is Martin Scorsese on this list? God, he’s scary looking. He looks like the world’s creepiest gynecologist.

BEST ORIGINAL SCREENPLAY
Let’s all honor Woody Allen for pulling off a seemingly impossible task for him: writing a movie about a self-absorbed screenwriter who misses the old days. Real fucking stretch there, buddy. I look forward to your next screenplay: WHINY FUCKHEADS WHO WEAR GLASSES.

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BEST ADAPTED SCREENPLAY
Why are they giving you people a prize? You didn’t even write the source material. All you did was reformat it and cut out the first 200 pages. Even Woody Allen isn’t that lazy.

DOCUMENTARY FEATURE
Boy, I hope that West Memphis Three movie gets honored. Because that case hasn’t gotten enough attention, you know? If you’re a black dude wrongfully convicted of child murder, you get the gas chamber. If you’re a white dude who does the same thing, you get FOUR FUCKING MOVIES made about you and a dinner date with the Vedders. No one said the world was just. I look forward to Viola Davis playing the part of Damien Echols in the feature film.

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ANIMATED FEATURE FILM
Congrats to the five movies nominated here for being the ONLY five animated movies to exist this year. This field is like the AFC West of Oscar categories.

ART DIRECTION
These are the people who design the sets, right? Well, how about you design a set for some other piddly-shit award show where you can claim your trophy without cluttering up my telecast?

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CINEMATOGRAPHY
I swear to you, if Janusz Kaminski doesn’t win for his work on War Horse, I will kill a pony. Get the fuck out of here with those weak light scrims, Robert Richardson. You were outclassed.

COSTUME DESIGN
No one cares. You people get union wages and that should be enough for you. If you want to be properly honored as a designer, go on Runway and make a draped gown out of cereal boxes.

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EDITING
Hugo was 128 minutes long. Whoever edited this thing clearly has no children. And Dragon Tattoo was 158 minutes long. Because to trim just one of the 18 rape scenes would really kill the narrative arc, you know?

FOREIGN LANGUAGE FILM
Poland made a Holocaust film! Poland knows where the bread gets buttered.

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MAKEUP
Albert Nobbs is nominated here? Why? They made her look like Ron Howard. That’s not an accomplishment.

MUSIC (ORIGINAL SCORE)
Way to rape Kim Novak, Ludovic Bource. You Frenchies always know how to discreetly slip a sexual assault into all of your otherwise tasteful films.

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ORIGINAL SONG
This award needs be a Grammy, and it needs to be banished from the telecast forever. Oh, what’s that? The Oscars couldn’t live without such luminous Best Song winners as “Al Otro Lado Del Rio”? Then go watch the Tonys and leave the movie awards alone.

DOCUMENTARY SHORT SUBJECT/SHORT FILM (ANIMATED)/SHORT FILM (LIVE ACTION)/SOUND EDITING/SOUND MIXING/VISUAL EFFECTS
Seriously, there are 900 other award shows. Can’t they hand this shit out at one of THOSE ceremonies? This show is 30 minutes of actual Oscars surrounded by three hours of a Holiday Inn offsite banquet. I fucking hate the Oscars.

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And on that note, join me Sunday night at Gawker as I liveblog ... THE OSCARS! All the magic! All the glamour! All the sound mixing! IT’S MY FAVORITE NIGHT OF THE YEAR.