The Internet Has A “Problem” Problem

Hey, you saw "Too Many Cooks," right? That batshit-insane, 11-minute Adult Swim video that lampoons the opening credits of old network sitcoms (or current Disney Channel sitcoms, if you've ever been forced to watch one)? It was funny, right? LOL THE '80S WERE SO DUMB. I know I enjoyed it.

But that doesn't mean EVERYONE did. Was there someone on the internet who read wayyyyyyy too deeply into a short viral parody video? You know there was. Allow me to introduce you to Rusty Foster …

Do you want to know what bugs Rusty about it? Of course not, but I'm gonna show you anyway, because I hate you.

I have to think that Slate is angry they didn't get to this take first, because it's important that we take every single last disposable piece of pop culture and fucking break down the 58 layers of subtext behind it to show why America ought to have a problem with Smarf.

Now 90 percent of all internet thinkpieces are dedicated to explaining why you should have a problem with something you originally had no problem with. OPEN YOUR EYES, SHEEPLE. Don't you see that keyboard cat is a way of enforcing traditional heteronormative privilege in America today? The cat is wearing a house robe, which means that it he/she is clearly being forced into a domesticated, subservient role against his/her free will. NOT FUNNY. NOT ON MY WATCH. There's a whole black hole of the internet that spends all day up its own ass, endlessly worried about approving of pop culture rather than actually fucking enjoying it.

This is shitty, pointless writing. You think something is racist or sexist? Say it's racist or sexist. Don't hem and haw and say you something "bugs" you like it's some kind of yet-to-be-revealed magical revelation. And if something does bug you, it better be a murder spree, or a mass recall of Funyuns, or something that MATTERS. The seas are about to swallow us whole, and one day we will all nuke each other, and yet people are still managing to find time to post their fucking low-grade dissertations on "Too Many Cooks." Jesus H. Fuck. Take a walk, man. Go look at a fucking tree and make better use of your time. No more Problem Blogging.

UPDATE: Also, do not read this.

Drew Magary writes for Deadspin. He's also a correspondent for GQ. Follow him on Twitter @drewmagary and email him at [email protected]. You can also order Drew's book,Someone Could Get Hurt, through his homepage.

Image by Sam Woolley.

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