Sports News Without Access, Favor, Or Discretion

The Mike Cooper Sentencing ... You Are There!

This image was lost some time after publication.

Well, the Mike Cooper sentencing is over, and our man Jimbo was, indeed, there. We're still not sure precisely what Cooper's sentence was — Jimbo didn't make it that far into the proceedings — but he was there, and he even captured Cooper and his parents on his camera phone ... kind of.


After the jump, Jimbo's full report and his camera phone photo. We obviously cannot thank him enough. He's kind of a real American hero.


So after taking the advice of several Deadspinners mysteriously familiar with court proceedings, I decided to show up at 1:20, hoping that the proceedings would be delayed, giving me ample photo-ops with the Masturbating Man with a Mustache himself. I arrived and quickly noticed there is a front and rear entrance to the court. I really wanted to get a quick shot of him or Carl Monday arriving, but after several laps without any sightings. I realized they were probably already there. The only people I saw were a group of people huddle around a narrow walkway to the court ... none of them appeared to have an Ohio State shirt on, nor were they in possession of a mustache.

After much deliberation, and not wanting to let my fellow commenters down, I decided I would march into the courthouse and see what I could find. Unfortunately, going in would mean that I would have to rely on my camera phone. I quickly concocted a story in case anyone asked: I was here to pay a traffic ticket. So I begin walking up the aforementioned narrow walkway with the people, and I'm getting nervous because I feel like I'm doing something illegal. I know, everyone has told me that it's a public proceeding so they have to let me in, but it's one thing to say that, and another when you're walking into a building full of cops, under false pretenses ... but I digress.

So I begin walking up this walkway, which is really more of a ramp. As I get closer to the people that were huddled around, I can hear that they are pissed about something. I overhear a woman, definitely a lawyer, say, "we keep him away from the house and out of the driveway, he's causing added stress on my client ... this isn't needed."


At first I think nothing of it, but then I think to myself, "could they be talking about The Man? Could the guy they are trying to keep away from their client be the one and only Carl Monday? As I got closer, I could tell that most in the group were lawyers, but one person being shielded from sight. I had to weave my way between several people, and when I finally fought my way through ... PAYDIRT! There I was, standing, albeit for a brief moment, face to face with the mustache, Mr. Cooper himself! I was less than a foot from the man, head down, looking dejected.

I couldn't just break out my phone, stand in front of him and take pictures. Keep in mind this ramp is only about 4 feet wide. So I walk in to the courthouse and stand in a hallway where I still have a view of him from through the door. I find a place to wait. I figure they have to come down this hallway, and when he does I'll pretend I'm dialing my phone and snap a picture. I wait for what seems like forever (really about 15 minutes) and ponder what crime I can be charged with if someone realizes what I'm trying to do. The actual courtroom is upstairs, and eventually the Bailiff walks down and yells "Kelley!" Which I would later find out is his lawyer's name. No one responds. He walks outside to the Cooper group, and they acknowledge him. "The Judge has been waiting for you for 10 minutes," the bailiff says.


So here we go ... I can see them starting to migrate single file into the hall ... about to pass me. I break out the phone, hit the camera button, and it loads up. The first person (the Lawyer) walks by; behind her I finally recognize THE COMBAT VET, then someone else. Finally, here he comes ... I raise the phone to get him into view, wait ... wait ... SNAP! I take the attached picture.

And there's a FREAKING DELAY ON THE CAMERA!!! I know it's hard to tell, but the shadowy figure on the left is The Man, followed by his mother (Ed. Note: Whom you should also recognize from the video. She doesn't look much happier.)


That's all I could get. They went upstairs, and I followed, but chickened out when it came to the metal detectors guarded by two of Berea's finest. By that time I had already been out to lunch for over an hour and had to get back. So that's it. No Carl Monday sightings, no good photos either. However, I can at least say that I had a close encounter with an internet legend. This pretty much ranks up there with meeting Jim Brown. Ok, maybe not, but I'm glad Deadspin has provided me with such an opportunity.

You're with me, stalking internet legends


This image was lost some time after publication.

Share This Story