The Most Erotic Bullet Points About This Year's NFL Draft Prospects

Here’s a tweet that confirms something already known: NFL draft scouting can often be extremely dumb and completely ridiculous.

That’s from NFL.com writer Lance Zierlein’s draft-prospect analysis, which covers nearly 500 players, includes thousands of bullet points, and features at least one phrase (“tight skin”) that I’ve never seen before in a football context.

There are more. Of course, once you seek out the strangest sentences in any work, they appear more easily. But a scan of these profiles of incredibly fit men in their early 20s produces more phrasing which wouldn’t be out of place in an erotic novel. It’s not something unique to Zierlein, but the amount of sensual imagery attached to these college students becomes impossible to ignore once you’re attuned to it.

Here are the best bullet points:

• “Outstanding size and length” (Carlton Davis, Auburn)
• “Can pump and re-calibrate” (Sam Darnold, USC)
• “Has a broad waist with a thick trunk” (Will Hernandez, Texas El-Paso)
• “Built like a bank safe with wide hips, broad chest and powerful limbs” (Quenton Nelson, Notre Dame)
• “Lack of length makes it tough for him to sustain” (Billy Price, Ohio State)
• “Is smallish for interior life” (Maurice Hurst, Michigan)
• “Plays the ball and not the man” (Josh Jackson, Iowa)
• “Big, long and athletic” (Leighton Vander Esch, Boise State)
• “Elite wiggle triggered by fluid hips” (Saquon Barkley, Penn State)
• “Fluid and explosive in space” (Roquan Smith, Georgia)
  
• “Built like a wall of granite with exceptional lean muscle mass” (Da’Ron Payne, Alabama)
• “Outstanding hand placement” (Connor Williams, Texas)
• “Movement is fluid and feel for the position comes naturally” (Deon Cain, Clemson)
• “Body control for late adjustments is adequate” (D.J. Chark, LSU)
• “Needs more consistent latch and finish with his hands” (Kolton Miller, UCLA)
• “Can drive it with velocity” (Lamar Jackson, Louisville)
• “Muscular, well-proportioned frame” (Sony Michel, Georgia)
• “Can get grabby in man coverage” (Jaire Alexander, Louisville)
• “Initial get-off is below average” (Vita Vea, Washington)
• “Thick and broad across lower body” (Tim Settle, Virginia Tech)
• “Can uncork suddenly when it breaks open” (Josh Allen, Wyoming)
• “Smooth, fluid and flexible” (James Daniels, Iowa)
• “Deep balls hang on him” (Baker Mayfield, Oklahoma)