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I know there’s a dearth of quality teams out there this season, but we can’t let these people get their revenge championship. It’s like the prospect of Trump winning the election, only more terrifyingly plausible. Someone needs to unearth a tape of Tom Brady bragging about shooting stray dogs or something.

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Three Throwgasms

Niners at Bills: Oh hey it’s Colin Kaepernick starting his first game in front of the drunkenest, whitest fanbase possible. There WILL be a Bills fan in blackface and a Kap jersey getting powerbombed through a table in effigy three hours prior to kickoff.

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Ravens at Giants: Someone out there is gonna make a million dollars by opening a pop-up haunted house that opens BEFORE 7 p.m. Listen, haunted house proprietors: I know darkness makes shit scarier, but I need you to open earlier. A 7 p.m. opening time is useless to me. It’s the DAYTIME that really fucks me as a parent. You should open at 2 p.m. so that I can scare my kids shitless and burn some valuable time off the clock. I don’t care if I can see the strings holding the zombies up. I’m sick of BIG HAUNTED HOUSE catering only to horny teens who stay up late.

Panthers at Saints: There have been a lot of thinkpieces about locker room talk this week because of the Trump tape. This is annoying because HE WASN’T IN A LOCKER ROOM WHEN HE SAID THAT SHIT. You don’t get to conjure a “locker room” forcefield anytime you start talking out loud about pussy.

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More importantly, there’s no real way to characterize a male locker room. Some locker rooms have horny teens saying awful shit (I was once one of them). Some of them have stoic professionals. Some of them have old men clipping their toenails with terrifying regularity. Using the term “locker room banter” suggests some kind of special safe space where guys are free to say all the things they really think. But honestly, most guys do that EVERYWHERE. We do it at bars, and while golfing, and at work, and on this site. I assure you that there’s no forum on Earth that I am not happy to pollute with crude dick jokes. Like Trump, all the pigs are already in plain sight. So never listen to some guy who assumes a locker room is a free pass to talk like a groper, or some other thirsty asshole who’s like, “Well in MY locker room, we only discussed 19th century French poetry.” That’s not how locker rooms work.

Also, if I’m talking about anything dirty in a locker room, it’s dicks. I’m all about the dick talk.

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Rams at Lions

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Two Throwgasms

Colts at Texans: I am genuinely terrified of the Arby’s pork belly sandwich. I have a hard enough time trusting the BEEF from Arby’s. Now they’re making like they’re David Chang and serving whole slabs of pork belly like it WON’T have a wad of tummyworms inside of it. If you try this sandwich, please let me know if you survived the ordeal. I can’t trust Arby’s to do pork belly right. That’s like going to your weed dealer for back surgery.

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Jets at Cardinals: I was on a train last week because I am a fancypants. And this guy sat next to me. He had three carry-ons and put them ALL on his lap. Then he got off the train and another lady sat next to me. Again, she had many bags and rested them ALL on her lap. This isn’t the first time I’ve seen this on a train or a plane either. With readily available overhead room, some crazy asshole will choose to turn his lap into a cargo bin. Why would you do that? Aren’t you overheated? Do you have the Russian microfilm on you? Put your fucking bags away, people.

Jaguars at Bears

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 One Throwgasm

Steelers at Dolphins: I need the cumulative passing stats for Big Ben for when he plays in the jailhouse bumblebee uniforms. Every time the Steelers break those retro unis out, he throws for a billion yards. Big Ben always plays at his best when he’s at his fattest and ugliest. If I were the Steelers, I’d force him to gain 20 more pounds and play every game in a striped utilikilt.

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Also, the Steelers need to make their two-point policy full time. As it stands now, it makes NO sense to just randomly go for two whenever Mike Tomlin feels gutty. There’s plenty of statistical support for the idea that you can gain more net points by going for it on every TD, but that’s only if you actually DO it. You don’t reap the math benefits if you spin a funtime conversion wheel after every score.

Browns at Titans: There’s been a ton of Amazon Echo ads during game broadcasts and I’m still amazed by the number of tech companies that think voice commands are the way of the future. Motherfucker, the whole reason I HAVE a phone is so I don’t have to talk out loud. If I had my druthers, I’d just cut my tongue out altogether to avoid having to make contact with any human, animal, or voice-enabled tech device. I’ll pay you double for a household assistant that promises NO verbal exchanges. Talking into thin air makes me feel like a complete idiot.

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Pregame Song That Makes Me Want To Run Through A Goddamn Brick Wall 

“High Chair,” by Wrong. From Jordan:

It’s so 90's-era Helmet, full of chunk.

Indeed. I like my music chunky. Big, moist chunks of riffage. I don’t fuck with smooth music. That’s for dipshits and failed womanizers.

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Gregg Easterbrook Memorial Haughty Dipshit Of The Week

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The St. Louis Cardinals failed to make the playoffs this year because they’re sucky losers. But that’s not gonna stop me from doing a reckless hatchet job on them and their closet Trumpkin fanbase. Thankfully, Christina Silies at Odyssey (I do not know what Odyssey is) has provided just the take I need to troll Will Leitch and be a complete penis. Let’s dive in!

Cubs fans,

Did I mention this was an open letter? Well, now you know. Christina is a college student, so this is, once more, a fine moment to conduct a proper Take Seminar. Lesson one: Everything terrible in the world comes in open letter form.

First of all, congrats on a great season.

You don’t mean that. You’re lying. Politifact gives your take 8 Pinocchios.

Honestly, they deserve to win the whole thing.

Again, lies. Please do not lie when you issue takes. I feel icky already, like I’ve been eating potato salad with you.

Before you go on a spree of bashing the Cardinals, though, we have some things to say to you. You do not have the best fan base in baseball. The Royals tried to pull this with us last year when they were good, too. Where are they now? Gone. I was so blessed to grow up in St. Louis, so I got to experience how amazing and dedicated Cardinal Nation really is.

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Prove this wretched point with data.

When you walk into Busch, the people there are there for the Cardinals.

That’s every baseball stadium. No one goes to a baseball stadium because they’re there for a Kenny Loggins concert.

Our hearts break for them when they lose and we are filled with happiness when they win.

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Again, every team.

We also remember in 2004 when our amazing team got beat in the World Series by the Boston Red Sox. We are second in World Series Championships behind the amazing New York Yankees.

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OMG everyone is AMAZING! [Taylor Swift face] The Yankees are so AMAZING! But the Cardinals are also AMAZING even when they lose to other AMAZING teams!

In October, people only wear red.

That’s because your fanbase is 100 percent Ken Bones.

You go to Walmart on a day that the Cardinals are playing?

I bet you do.

At least seventy five percent of people will be wearing red.

Burn that AMAZING Walmart.

We love our old players and will almost always offer them a standing ovation when they come back on other teams to play against us. There is a reason Albert Pujols talked about missing his “home” is St. Louis when he left. There is a reason why players like Jim Edmonds and Willie McGee consider St. Louis the best place in the world.

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Because you would find him and murder him if he said otherwise. I’ve seen how Cards fans operate. They are children of the popcorn.

One of you guys told me, “Cardinal’s fans will shut up if the Cub’s win, they will have nothing to say.” That isn’t true.

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I bet it isn’t. I’ll give her credit for the botched grammar though. That’s solid takeage right there. Toss in a your/you’re mistake and you’ve got yourself a job at The Blaze.

We might not make Titanic jokes anymore, but we still have eleven rings… So quit acting like you’ve already caught us in championships. If you win or lose this year, we will still make fun of you.

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Oh, now I kind of like this take. Starts off polite, then reveals its black Midwestern soul. If Christina starts dropping Chicago gun violence stats, we’ve got ourselves a prodigy.

The Cubs may have been really good this year, but you cannot say that the Cardinals would not have been a threat to them if they would have gotten the chance to meet in the playoffs.

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So true. If the Cub’s can’t enter an alternate dimension and put away a theoretical 2016 Card’s team that was good enough to make the playoffs, does your World Series title REALLY count? I say no. You would not have been emotionally prepared for the number of people wearing red.

Moral of the story, celebrate this year, but don’t have this chip on your shoulder that you’re the best organization in baseball history, because you’re just not. Also, learn to care about the actual Cubs winning instead of just beating the Cardinals.

Sincerely,

That’s a lie.

Cardinal Nation

Ban all nations.

 

Curt Schilling’s Facebook Lock Of The Week: Niners (+8)

Meme by Patty Red
Meme by Patty Red
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Schilling 2016 record: 2-2-1

Fantasy Player Who Deserves To Die A Slow, Painful Death

Reader Joe is steamed at Randall Cobb:

Randall fucking Cobb has ruined me for two straight fantasy seasons. He was my keeper the year after he had all those TDs. Jordy Nelson gets hurt and I assume he’ll be the number 1 target. He struggles all year. OK this year Nelson is back and he’s over his injuries so I keep him again. 5 games in, no fucking touchdowns, the one he got this weekend was called back. He finally put up decent yardage this weekend so of course his neck is injured now. I hate this guy.

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That’s the problem with gifted quarterbacks like Aaron Rodgers. They spread the ball around and mange to get touchdowns to every skill player except the one YOU own. Much better for your fantasy player to have a SHITTY QB who locks eyes on your guy 50 times a game. That’s the ideal fantasy ball distributor.

 

Fire This Asshole!

Is there anything more exciting than a coach losing his job? All year long, we’ll keep track of which coaches will almost certainly get fired at year’s end or sooner. And now, your potential 2016 chopping block:

John Fox*****

Jeff Fisher

Mike McCarthy

Mike McCoy*

Jim Caldwell

Ron Rivera

Todd Bowles

Adam Gase

Marvin Lewis

Hue Jackson

Gus Bradley

Mike Mularkey

Rex Ryan

Sean Payton

Chuck Pagano*

(*-potential midseason firing)

I think John Fox is already at the point where he leaves practice at 6pm every day and goes to pound beers at the hotel bar. I can’t blame him, honestly.

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Great Moments In Poop History

Reader Jon sends in this story I call MEET THE POOP:

This was when I was a senior in high school. I had just started dating this girl maybe a week or two previously — we hadn’t even gotten to the point of introducing each other to our parents yet. It was about 9 PM and I was dropping her off from a dinner date. I came in, and the high-school-appropriate level of couch makeouts began. Her parents were the “in bed by 8:30" type, so by 9:30 they were already upstairs and asleep. Then my stomach started rumbling.

No big deal I figured, I just went to their guest toilet downstairs. And I pooped. And pooped. And, somehow, more poop.

Feeling completely satisfied with myself, and considerably lighter, I flushed the toilet and washed my hands...but the flush doesn’t finish. I look over — toilet still crammed with poop. I flush again. And again. I look desperately around the bathroom for a plunger but can’t find any.

I come out, feeling (rightfully) shamed. My girlfriend asked what was wrong and I just mumbled if she knew where they kept a plunger. Being the not-particularly-handy type (and I’m not casting exclusive aspersions here; I’m more useless than she is with tools), she had no idea. So I had to go upstairs, into her parents’ bedroom, and wake her father up, introducing myself in the process, to ask where the plunger was. He gives me a much-deserved look of sleepy derision and just says he’ll take care of it.

I went back down and sat on the couch with her in silence as her father dealt with my titanic poop load. Somehow, we survived that and have been married for ten years now. Her father & I never discussed the poop incident again.

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That’s how you know you’ve got a keeper!

 

Gametime Snack Of The Week

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Boursin cheese! Ever think to yourself, “Boy, I just don’t binge-eat cheese enough”? Well, the makers of Boursin have designed a proprietary blend of cheese and herbs that can be ingested at a rate of 12 pounds per second. They should feed this to people recovering from cancer. The weight just APPEARS on you, in real time.

Gametime Cheap Beer Of The Week

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Taiwan Beer! From Emil!

 

Featuring a Piano Can! $5 for a six pack, it will get you both drunk and shot on the mainland! You’ll be talking to giant crabs in no time.

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The piano can sells it. No one has EVER put a piano on a can of shitty beer until now. I MUST HAVE IT. No joke. I would like to drink that beer and then go to lounge and then slug the pianist the second he busts out a Billy Joel song. Tell me that wouldn’t be a great night. I’m ready right now. LET’S GO.

 

Jim Tomsula’s Lifehack Of The Week!

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“Lotta rich guys … they buy a shirt and then just throw the buttons away. That’s when you strike. You can do lot with those buttons: trade them, stack them, kill rabbits with them by shooting them out of a slingshot, fasten tarps, grind them to make button oil, place them over your nipples for good luck … stuff like that. These rich guys don’t know what they’re missing. Hopper Bob had a collection of over five million buttons that he kept in a hold in Southeast Ohio. The man NEVER had to pay cash for a can of sardines in his LIFE. All paid with buttons.”

 

Sunday Afternoon Movie Of The Week For Browns Fans

 Predator 2. This is the one where they couldn’t afford Arnold, so they fused together a Voltron of the greatest D-list actors ever assembled to make up for it: Danny Glover, Ruben Blades, Gary Busey, María Conchita Alonso, Bill Paxton and Robert Davi. It’s quite something. This is the one where it turns out that the predators (yes, there are many!) can kinda speak English. It’s one of the great movie clichés. WHOA HEY, YOU CAN TALK! Just once in my life, I want to be surprised by a mute human or creature who ends up having perfect command of English, but keeps it secret from me until the right moment arises.

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Gratuitous Miller’s Crossing Quote

“If you want me to keep my mouth shut, it’s gonna cost you some dough. I figure a thousand bucks is reasonable, so I want two.”

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Enjoy the games, everyone.