The Rock's New Motivational Phone App Is Terrifying

I have never much enjoyed waking up in a state of panic, but if you’re looking to put more alarm in your alarm clock, you may enjoy the new app by professional large human Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson. Rock Clock, a simple app with a design scheme reminiscent of energy drinks and dried meat snacks, lets you set long-term projects or time-specific goals. (Android here, iOS here.) When the time approaches, the app will wake you the hell up with sounds that are jarring even when listened to on headphones in the middle of the day, let alone when cutting through the fog of sleep.

Options include “C4,” progressively faster beeping culminating in an explosion; chainsaws tuned to four different pitches; and the sound of a pin being pulled from a grenade, followed by an explosion. In others, Johnson is talking. He is repeating the word “beep.” He is whispering, breathily, “Wakey wakey” under some flute riffing. Gentle harp playing is interrupted by the sound of something wooden and stringed being smashed, and then the single word “Jabroni.”

The most interesting feature lets you sync up your daily sleep cycle with his: You can enjoy a special kinship with The Rock, just knowing he’s out there waking up at the same ungodly hour you are. Tomorrow’s wakeup is 5:30 a.m. Important note: Go look at a few recent pictures of The Rock, consider how unforgiving his workout regimen must be, and then ask yourself if you really want to handcuff yourself to him, sleep-wise.

Periodically, The Rock will upload a video of himself to the app, offering a motivational speech. In today’s, he drives around in his pickup while absentmindedly but convincingly urging you to Chase Your Greatness. I will be happy to chase mine, just as soon as I peel myself off the ceiling.