As a "writer," I have to say that it kind of sucks that nearly every turn of phrase in the English language has been turned into a euphemism for some deviant sexual act.

For example, I almost turned "sucks" into "stinks" for that last sentence, because ... well, I don't trust you guys. You don't know how many times a day I have to edit what I'm saying because I'm afraid you animals will probably turn it into something sick and twisted and make jokes about it. I mean, there's an excellent chance that the announcers for the Hawaii Bowl—which Notre Dame mistakenly won—have never heard the term "golden shower." This video literally depicts a shower of gold! A man's head was nearly crushed! Yet all you chuckleheads can do is giggle because the guy made an indirect reference to urine. Ho ho.

Enough, I say! It's time for upright citizens to erect a barricade against this penetration of filth that wants to insert itself into our lives. If you all get behind me, we can mount an offensive against those who would just self-abuse the language like that. An announcer should be able toss off any words they like without getting a tongue-lashing for it. A husband should be able to buy his loving wife a pearl necklace without getting teased by his best mates. And what about all those fellows out there named Sanchez or Carl or Rod or the world's many fine trombonists? Don't they deserve a life filled to the rim with dignity and good vibrations? With a little extra push, I think we can grease the wheels on this movement and finally clean up this awful mess.

Now, if you'll excuse me it's time for my lunch and I've just ordered the tossed salad.

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Video: Golden Shower - Notre Dame Fighting Irish vs. Hawaii Warriors - Hawaii Bowl [Sports Rubbish]