I was thinking of this while bored out of my goddamn mind at my current job... What is the most boring job out there? As much as I hate mine, I have internet access so that takes it out of the running. I have to think truck driver is up there. You just drive a big-ass vehicle while pissing everyone else on the road off at the same time. Your only entertainment is other poor fucks on the CB radio and the always shitty radio. When you finally pull over, your family and friends are hundreds of miles away and you have to just get in the back of your cab and jack off until you fall asleep and do it all again. You got anything that can beat that?
Wait, being a truck driver is boring? Because I've fantasized my entire life about being a truck driver. God, the FREEDOM. Nothing but me and the open road, with a prostitute sleeping in the back of the cab behind me. I could get on the CB and be like, "What's your 40, Cobra?" (Cobra is my buddy). I could give myself a cool radio handle, like Vanilla Thunder. I could go to rural truck stops and pinch a few asses while ordering pancakes. Plus, I assume all trucks have satellite radio now. ALL THE STERN I CAN EAT! Sounds like a little slice of heaven to me, amigo. And let's not forget all the drifters I get to kill at rest stops at night. Truck drivin's the job for you if you like killin' folk.
Pretty much any job is boring if you have to do it day in and day out. And you can go ahead and double the boredom if you're under constant supervision and you can't take time out for YOU once in a while. It also sucks if your job is relatively isolated, and you can't interact with other people. A survey done by salary explorer notes that accountancy ranks as the least fun job, according to applicants. It's no lion tamer, that's for sure ...
But accountants get to goof off. I'm not buying it. There are boringer jobs out there, such as ...
1. Soldier. "OK, we're gonna send you to a remote part of the world and you're gonna sit there and wait to be shot at. OK? Oh, and build a bridge for the villagers while you wait. Please don't let the limited access to good food, booze, the Internet, and loose women destroy the fragile remaining portions of your mind."
2. Parent/nanny. I have to think being a nanny is twice as boring as being a parent because it's not even your kid. You don't even care if the kid DIES. If the kid dies, you get a week off between gigs. It's like a holiday. I love my kids, but any parent will tell you that sitting around with their children from 3 p.m. to 5 p.m., just praying for dinnertime to arrive, is like starving to death in a desert.
3. Tollbooth operator. Or a parking booth attendant. Any job where you have to sit in a booth, basically.
4. Dishwasher. All restaurant jobs are boring, but dishwasher is the king of boring restaurant jobs. Dishwashing makes being a waiter look like a five-year run on Broadway. When I washed dishes, I wanted to be a waiter so, so badly. And being a waiter SUCKS. That's how bad dishwashing is. Oh, and your hands die.
5. Ship or oil-rig worker. That's a job where you have gay affairs with your shipmates just to pass the time. "Charlie, there's nothing to do on this goddamn boat. Let's just bang each other and see if that gets us to nightfall."
6. Lawyer/paralegal. I know lawyers can dick around and go out for power lunches and what not, but when they have to do actual work, their work is the worst work. Sometimes I look at a legal document like a contract and think to myself: "Christ, someone had to write this. I know they worked off a template, but JESUS." There's so much beauty and wonder to humanity, and you get stuck writing the fucking legal disclaimer for a soup ad. I can't even imagine how awful that is. Check our comment section if you want to know what bored lawyers do with their time.
7. Traffic cop. Or any cop job, really. You're just putting in two decades of boredom to collect that sweet, sweet pension. I know how you cops roll.
OK, let's get into the Funbag below. And please note that Someone Could Get Hurt comes out in exactly one week. Prepare for the Roman calendar to be discarded entirely after its introduction. Tour dates can be found here.
Drew Magary writes for Deadspin and Gawker. He's also a correspondent for GQ. Follow him on Twitter @drewmagary and email him at firstname.lastname@example.org. You can also order Drew's new book, Someone Could Get Hurt, through his homepage.
Image by Jim Cooke. Photo via ekipaj/Shutterstock.