Welcome to Tuesday Night Fights, a weekly celebration and analysis of street-fight videos found on YouTube. Tonight's fisticuffs: "RAW VIDEO: Wigs Fly as Peru's Drag Queen Beauty Pageant Ends in Brawl." Tonight's commentator: returning Philadelphia drag-show regular Butch Cordora. (Coming next week: Zodiac MF.)
My professional opinion — not only as a gay man, but as a fixture at Philadelphia staple Bob & Barbara's weekly Thursday evening's thug-tranny night where hot mess chicks-with-dicks parade on stage lip syncing Nicki Minaj, Trina, Foxy Brown and the best of the Dirty South (you 'ain't hearin' no Mariah Carey/Whitney Houston tonight) — is that there's only one thing that gets a gal twisted to the point of classic weave-pulling and rolling around on the floor.
It's painfully obvious to me that the girl in white (let's call her Sue Nami), after starving herself for what seemed like an eternity to fit into that "off the shoulder" number, clearly ate the girl in chartreuse's (we'll call her Ida Slapter) last hot wing.
But that's actually NOT when the fight started.
Of course, Ms. Nami was twisted but certainly not enough to thrown down. It only escalated when she went back to purchase another order and couldn't because at that very moment Crown Fried Chicken turned over to their lunch menu! (don't you hate when that happens..?)
What transpires next is by far the most tragic: Not only were both disqualified from the contest losing all chances of winning their gift card to Piggly Wiggly, and sporting that beautiful aluminum crown for the next 12 months, but they both unfortunately received another 180 days tagged on to their prison sentence! Oh wait, I didn't mention? Oh yea, they all just got released from jail simply to do the show.
At any rate; there are never any "real" winners with this lot but I suppose the unofficial winner would have to be Ms. Slapter.
And now, the rest of the Tuesday Night Fights:
• Presenting the first-ever Bro Fight Scene captured via Google Glass. By this guy, TNF's first-ever technological hero, a Protector of the Wildwood Boardwalk. (Start of Violence, best viewed in its entirety as this is a historical moment worthy of Smithsonianization, even if the fight itself is eh whatever)
• "I want tacos. TACOS!" exclaims our narrator at Hole Mole, in between droppin' verses about bitches — technically, "bad bitches" — and whatnot. This scene is such that, at the 2:40 mark, it seemed to me as if that gentleman was tethered to the ground via dog chain. Had that been the case, well, I don't know, it'd have been weird and depraved. But he wasn't, so it wasn't. (SoV, instantly)
• As explained by YouTuber "belfastpablo," this here video captures the time when "Shamrock Rovers and bohs casuals fight outside bar." That sound you hear is kegs being thrown, a classy touch. (SoV, instantly)
• Bro was watching Ananzi rassle Shaun Koen in Cape Town on the Fourth of July. Bro tries out a choke hold or something similar on Anazai. Bro gets stomped by Anazi. (SoV, watch it all) h/t Stephen T.
• The Seattle Pride-Fest Gays Vs. The Christers Intermezzo:
• Wildin' in Greensboro, NC. WOOT! (SoV, instantly)
• And wildin' in Northwest D.C. WOOT! (SoV, instantly)
• Damn. Dayyyyyyyyyyyum, DJ Nate. (SoV, 0:11)
• Bodacious bloodspill, Batman! (SoV, instantly)
• Your "Bellator Veteran Maiquel Falcao Attacked By 2x4 In Wild Brazil Street Fight" Live Look-In (h/t W.K. Wolfrum):
• Step off, 260-pound Samoan dude. WHAT? (SoV, instantly)
• Ayo, shit was jumpin' OFF at the Robbie Williams concert at Wembley last week. 1) Um, Robbie Williams packs the floor at Wembley? 2) Um, does Robbie Williams bite the heads off bats? 3) Who is Robbie Williams? 4) THIS is Robbie Williams. 5) Does Robbie Williams have a windowless van? (SoV, instantly)
• KTFO instantáneamente. (SoV, instantly)
• Bitchtits, baseball and parking-lot brawls, the American dream. (SoV, 0:43)
• Your Buffalo-Ladybrawl Fireworks Exhibition (h/t: @adamp26):
• From America's birthplace, "Presenting The Fourth Of July Week Frankford Ave. After-Hours Bar Brawl" (SoV, 1:18). Bonus Coverage: "52nd Street Beatdown In Which 'Some Family Gave A BEATDOWN!" (SoV, 0:05). Bonus Coverage II: "Brickyard Germantown Hood Fight" (SoV, in the dark).
• TNF Beijing Correspondent Anthony Tao presents "Hair-Grabbing And Fighting On A Crowded Beijing Bus" (SoV, 0:10). And, "Rage In Shanghai Airports As More Than 100 Flights Cancelled, China Eastern Airlines Employees Attacked" (SoV, 0:40). And (my personal favorite) "Hair-Grabbing And Fighting On A Crowded Beijing Bus" (SoV, instantly).
• This pelt, it is mine, yes? Why you say no? I like this pelt. I will fight for this pelt. It is smooth like plump possum after fur removal. Fight you I will for the honor of this pelt. (SoV, 0:28)
• Fight, on a London train. (SoV, 0:10)
• A Very Special Episode Of "Armed Vigilante Squashes Club-Swinging Russian Road-Rage Street Fight" ...
• So anyway, Melissa went ahead and posted this video of Angie & Melissa's fight. Melissa must think she won. Do you? (SoV, instantly)
• SEC Football can't return quickly enough. (SoV, 0:58)
• Others: "Kid knocked out twitching Mexican vs mexican school street FIGHT." "White Boy Street Fight Big dude gets body slammed." "Video from soccer brawl." "Man's finger bitten off in Sydney brawl." "STREET FIGHT!! GROUP VS GROUP!!!" "Silverado fight (Ca$anova)." "Fight in the woods."
• The One Night In Bangkok Coda: