Photo: Michael Dwyer (AP)

Starting tonight, and running through the end of the month, all four major North American pro sports leagues will be playing real, actual, meaningful games. This is too much sports! No one can possibly have time to watch that much sports, let alone read about all of it, or, damn it, to write about all of it. I have a better idea.

There should be no more than two sports going on at any given time. Here is the ideal sports calendar:

September–October: MLB and NFL
An excellent sport time. These are the two months of the long, long season when baseball actually matters, and the two months when it’s exciting to have the NFL back before it gets boring and we get sick of the Titans existing and we’re antsy for the playoffs.

November–late December: NFL and NHL
To be honest, I’d prefer hockey not start until New Year’s—when you can really start thinking about it in earnest—but we need something for late fall weekdays. Also, there are now primetime NFL games on Monday, Thursday, and Saturday nights.

Christmas–early February: NFL, NHL, and NBA
Yes, these are three sports, but the NFL playoffs only feature a total of 11 games over an entire month, so it doesn’t really count. Basketball’s regular season should start on Christmas Day; in spirit, it already does.

Super Bowl–March: NHL and NBA
Grim times. Sorry, there’s nothing to be done. Maybe there’s soccer happening? Who can tell.

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April–July: NBA and MLB
We have moved up the Stanley Cup playoffs to finish in March, when it’s still actually cold outside and hockey makes sense. No need to thank me. We’ve also extended the NBA season.

August: MLB and going outside
It’s August, man.


This is my complaint-proof proposal for the new sports calendar. It’s either this, or continue on with the current system, which involves everyone getting to choose which sports they want to watch—including ones not even mentioned here!—and watching the ones they enjoy. I don’t think I need to spell out which option is better.