This Is What Happens When A Blogger Auditions To Sing The National Anthem

Earlier this year, I came to the Washington Nationals with an idea to sing the anthem at one of their games and write about it. And they were mildly intrigued, until they heard my audition.

I pitched the Nats that it would be cool to sing the anthem and write about what it's like to walk out onto the field and sing the song in front of a bunch of fans, terrified you're gonna make a complete idiot of yourself. Miraculously, I got an email back from one of their marketing people:

"I like the idea - let me speak with my boss post-Opening Day and get back to you next week."

Obviously, no sane baseball team is gonna let you sing the anthem without knowing if you can carry a tune or not. So I recorded the above version of the anthem while sitting at my desk and singing into my piece of shit iMac. And oh, how those acoustics do justice to my horrible, horrible rendition of the song. I then sent them this mp3. That was on April 3rd. I never heard back. Play it for three seconds and you'll understand why. I present it to you here for your unbridled ridicule. Go ahead. DO YOUR WORST.

I'm the sort of person who sings his ass off in the car. I mean, I really let go. I'm talking full-on vocal fucking FURY. GET YOUR HANDS OFF OF MY WOOOOMAN MOTHERFUCKAHHHHHHHH!

But that's with the track playing behind me. Gotta have that backing track. It really does wonders for the confidence. Because whenever I try and sing all by myself, with no other music playing in the car, well that's when I'm forced to listen to my own horrible voice stripped naked, its flaws perfectly audible in my ears. I always cut myself off, like I'm a gong show host chasing myself off the stage.

But I'm not giving up. Do you run a Major League Baseball team or, failing that, some rinky dink minor league outfit of some kind? Are you interested in having a blogger sing the anthem to your patrons, who are likely drunk and not paying attention? You know where to find me. IN THE LAND OF THE FREEEEEEEEEEEEEE...