Sports News Without Fear, Favor or Compromise
Sports News Without Fear, Favor or Compromise

This One Guy Has Written Hundreds Of Awful Songs About Sports

Illustration for article titled This One Guy Has Written Hundreds Of Awful Songs About Sports

Every time you stream a song on Spotify, the artist you're listening to gets some money. A very tiny amount of money. The exact amount varies, but according to a website set up by Spotify—as reported by The Guardian— it's between $0.006 and $0.0084 a stream. And that's just the money that goes to the music rightsholder, which is usually the label. The actual amount going to the artist is even smaller. To make serious money on Spotify, you need to get a lot of streams.


Or, if you're Matt Farley, a lot of songs. According to a Vice profile of Farley from earlier this year, in 2013 he made $5,000 from streaming his music on Spotify, and $23,500 overall across a variety of streaming and download sites. None of Farley's music is that popular, or that good, but there's a lot of it. 14,000 songs and counting worth. From Vice:

Say you're searching Spotify for Lauryn Hill so that you can jam out to The Miseducation of… in the privacy of your own bedroom when you stumble across a song called "Lauryn Hill Is Like Awesome And Great". You're curious, so you stick it on. Matt Farley just earned $0.005.

Or maybe you're bored and decide to stick in "Kurt Vonnegut" to see what comes up. Or "David Beckham" or "Ryan Gosling". Or you're really in need of a very specific apology song like "I'm Sorry I Forgot Our Anniversary". Every time your curiosity gets the better of you, Matt Farley gets $0.005. More if you download it off iTunes.

Sure, the margins are so low that it would take an insane number of plays to add up to a substantial amount of money. It would take millions of plays and downloads, and that would require thousands of songs, on a ludicrous breadth of topics. It would take a superhuman amount of effort to make that numbers game work in your favour.


So why the hell are you reading about this on Deadspin? Because in those 14,000 songs are hundreds about sports, and you just have to listen to them. They're a sonic trainwreck, something your 10-year-old wrote and sang for a musical they made up in the backyard and forced you to sit through. They're hilarious.

Performing under names like The Sports Band of Phoenix, Arizona; The Athletic Sports Band; The Green Bay & Milwaukee Sports Band; and The Singing Texas Sports Fan; Farley has written literally hundreds of songs about sports. Here are some lyrics from "Shaq's Been Traded To The Phoenix Suns" by The Sports Band of Phoenix, Arizona:

They don't need Marion, cause they've got Stoudemire
Grant Hill, Shaq, and Nash, man this team is on fire
Shaq's been traded to the Phoenix Suns
And meanwhile Kobe's out in LA feeling sad
Cause Shaq had success in Miami, and now he's onto Phoenix
Meanwhile Kobe's stuck with a Lakers team that's bad


Or howabout "Rory McIlroy Golfs Great" from The Athletic Sports Band:

Rory McIlroy, good golfer
Rory McIlroy, wonderful man
Rory McIlroy, winning championships
Winning majors, driving that ball
Puttin' so well
Pitchin' so nice
Driving so deep
Rory McIlroy
Super duper pro
Everybody loves him
Cause he's wonderful


Finally, here's a video of Farley playing a character named Papa Razzi and talking about Randy Moss for some reason:

And there are hundreds more of these out there, a veritable bounty of absurd songs about sports. Below is every band name of his that I can find (most helpfully cribbed from this r/music post) that relates to sports. Go search Spotify or your other preferred streaming service, have a listen, and let me know about the best (read: worst) songs you find in the comments.


The Athletic Sports Band
The Atlanta Sports Band
The Baltimore Sports Band
The Boston Baseball Band
The Boston Basketball Band
The Chicago Sports Band
The Cincinnati Sports Band
The Cleveland Sports Band
The Detroit Sports Band
The Green Bay & Milwaukee Sports Band
The Los Angeles Sports Band
The Miami Sports Band
The Minnesota Sports Band
The New England Football Band
The New Orleans Sports Band
The New York Sports Band
The New York Sports Fan
The Oklahoma City Sports Band
The Philadelphia Sports Band
The Pittsburgh Sports Band
The San Diego Sports Band
The San Francisco Sports Band
The Seattle Sports Band
The Singing Texas Sports Fan
The Sports Band of Denver, Colorado
The Sports Band of Indianapolis, Indiana
The Sports Band of Phoenix, Arizona
The St. Louis Sports Band
The Washington Sports Band
The Boston Sports Band of New England

h/t Jimmy

Photo via shutterstock

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