Tomi Lahren Is A Facebook Meme Come To Life And America's Newest Hero

Some people will try to tell you that take storm generated by Colin Kaepernick’s refusal to stand for the national anthem is a bad thing. These people will sigh dramatically whenever Kaepernick comes up in conversation, and tweet things like, “Ugh. It’s too early for this. I’m going back to bed!” all day. These people are fools.

They are fools because they have not yet quaffed the life-giving force that is Tomi Lahren, one of the rawest humans I’ve ever seen:

Look, man, I spend a lot of time online. I’ve come across my fair share of internet personalities whose whole deal is OBLITERATING people in short video clips. I’m a Countdown With Keith Olbermann head, I watch Bill O’Reilly clips for a chuckle every now and then, and I’ve gone deep into the Alex Jones rabbithole. But never before have I seen one of these professional eviscerators begin a segment by shouting, “So let me go ahead and EVISCERATE this mouth diarrhea for you sentence BY sentence. Here we go!”

I’m strapped in for the good shit, Tomi. Fuck me up.

I knew nothing about this woman until I saw her rant about Kaepernick—she hosts an internet show on The Blaze, whatever the hell that is—but I’ve been mainlining her videos ever since. Everything that comes out of her mouth is insane and abhorrent and genuinely frightening, but I’m enchanted all the same. Sometimes you want to stand and admire the tornado instead of running from it, you know?

Her delivery is like nothing I’ve ever seen before. She speaks like she’s just getting over a case of lockjaw, has no patience for properly stressing syllables, and sometimes just swallows words whole in the middle of a sentence. Even when she fucks up, she just keeps coming at you like a kung-fu master armed with two six shooters. About a minute and a half into the rant above, Lahren shouts, “What selfish is you, buddy?” and doesn’t miss a damn beat. She’s an artist.

And in case you doubt how down for this shit Tomi really is, she made another video raging against Kaepernick even after people using the #VeteransForKaepernick hashtag tried to launch a counter-evisceration against her:

Best line from this rant: “Here’s the deal, I have a lot of haters. Yup.” Second-best line: “You hate me and threaten me and want to fire me silence me and kill me for expressing my opinion on your boy, Colin Kaepernick.”

Tomi Lahren is 24 years old. Two years ago, she was a soft-spoken journalism student hosting boring panels about tuition hikes. Now, she’s the queen of her own kingdom:

America truly is a great country. The Deadspin staff’s new ambition is for Tomi Lahren to disembowel us.