Tommy Craggs Is A Slow, Shitty Hack, And It's Time To Roast Him

We may earn a commission from links on this page.

As you may or may not know, Deadspin Editor-in-Chief Tommy Craggs has been kicked upstairs to become Gawker Media's Digital Prophet, and thus is no longer the proprietor of this fine dick-joke emporium. Later today, he will be inducted into the Deadspin Hall of Fame, where he will join every other former Deadspin EIC in blogging immortality. We're just that deluded when it comes to our own accomplishments as a media outlet. I don't even think AJ was on the job for more than two years, and somehow he still got in. The bar is set very low.

Anyway, when you get enshrined, you get your sorry ass roasted. Today, that will be the case with Craggs, a dour old man who still goes by the name Tommy. He will be remembered as the slowest goddamn person in the history of the internet. Frankly, the fact that anything got published at all under his reign is something of a miracle, given that Craggs will kidnap every post and spend eight weeks trying to work the words CRAVEN and SMARM into the copy. We probably have a story about Roger Goodell paying to have someone killed sitting on our drafts page, because Craggs couldn't find enough places to suck off a union leader somewhere.

Craggs is best known for turning down better jobs, hating on Dead John Wooden, re-publishing Inside Sports schlongform pieces from 1981 that get five pageviews, deploying AJ Daulerio's management style (unanswered emails, random notes to go fuck yourself) minus the charm, and being the only person alive who thinks Slate is any good. He officially left his post as EIC at the end of 2014 in order to be fired by Nick Denton a year from now for slowing down EVERY Gawker site with his old-man doddering, and failing to increase traffic network-wide by 38 zillion percent. But that doesn't mean we can't spend this fine day giving him THE BUSINESS. Some quick facts about Craggs:

* He's a self-loathing Asian.

* He hates sports, unless you count collecting Marvin Miller trading cards as sports.


* He throws up once a week, because Craggs was born with a trick esophagus with a separate chamber where food will occasionally get lodged and cause severe acid reflux. When that happens, he has to head over to the bathroom to yak up a piece of chicken covered in throat mucus, and then go about his business.

* He believes "Weird Al" Yankovic is a national treasure.

* He once got in a fight with his girlfriend when he told her that Mariah Carey was better off when she was blowing label executives instead of blowing rappers.


* He rips off oral-sex insults from Good Morning Vietnam.

* He adores Sherlock, karaoke, and "We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together."

* When he hired Tim Marchman, he assured me that Marchman was "one of us." He was not wearing a Che Guevara shirt when he said this, but he may as well have been. Fucking dirty liberal shitbag.


So stick around all day. We'll have posts from all of Craggs's co-workers and family and frie—uh, well, his family, at least. It'll be enough internal humor to make this place an honorary SBNation site.

Fuck Craggs.