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Top Ten Ways Sports Can Improve Over the Next Four Years

In less than 24 hours we'll have a new President, and just as with all Presidential inaugurations preceding it, I am not invited. It is being called the hottest ticket in history.

Not only are single tickets commanding $20,000 and more, but ESPN will be covering it. NOT what the Founding Fathers had in mind. Actually, though, it's not like Boomer or Trey Wingo are going to be on site; ESPN is just picking up the ABC feed, and Jeremy Schaap will break in to regular programing and make comments about Joe Biden's tie.


Meanwhile, I will be attending a slightly less expensive version of the inauguration, held at Legoland in Carlsbad, Calif. I hear that Lego George W. Bush is extremely lifelike.

As we enter a new hopeful era in politics, perhaps we'll be able to fix some of our problems in sports as well. Mr. Obama has already expressed an interest in seeing a college football playoff system, and that's a start. But here are ten other things that, I hope, can be addressed in the world of athletics as we move ahead.

1. All youth basketball players must be taught to play man-to-man defense. Zone defense to be banned at any level below college, and coaches must be trained in the fine, lost art of footwork, blocking out, man-ball vision and taking the charge. This will make America strong once again.

2. Dick Vitale, Billy Packer and Joe Buck to be set adrift in the Pacific in a dinghy with only a sextant and a jug of rum.


3. Excessive NFL celebrations not only allowed, but encouraged. And scored by the officials.

4. Soccer gets only a certain number of chances to catch on with Americans, like with Baseball Hall of Fame eligibility. One more shot in 2010, and if it doesn't take, that's it.


5. Curb on stadium financing; no more funding elaborate playgrounds for the rich with public money.

6. Creation of a Supreme Court for Athletics. Kige Ramsey is the first Chief Justice.


7. Brett Favre must vacillate on retirement for at least six more seasons. This will keep many newspapers in business and save thousands of jobs.

8. U.S. to withdraw all military from Middle East; invade nations only to stop bullfighting.


9. Wii Olympics to replace regular Olympics.

10. Al Davis to be handcuffed to Richard Simmons for one year for our amusement.

Thank you for your continued support of Deadspin. And for the Cardinal, which IS, as it turns out, the fiercest robin-sized bird in the world.


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