Why would anyone date Taylor Swift?

The only thing worse than meeting your heroes is dating them. I can’t speak from experience, but that sounds like a good opening to a piece about the downsides of dating the world’s pop queen. Travis Kelce is somewhat affable, seems like a total bro, and people still find him attractive even with the molester mustache. Right now, his approval rating is about as high as it’s going to get, and he apparently has parlayed that into a courtship with Taylor Swift.

I have no ill will toward T-Swift because this is 2023, and no one has to listen to any music other than what they like. So, pardon me if this piece isn’t teeming with Swift-isms. I know very few, and what I do know would come off as dad jokes, cliches, or both.

It is immediately clear, from my cursory knowledge of Swift, or really any deified female recording artist, that you don’t cross them. Swifties are so dedicated that they wore Depends to her Eras Tour shows, and if you utter a negative word, it’s like insulting someone’s dead mother.

As for Taylor herself, she’s gone on to write a diss track about pretty much every guy she’s dated. I don’t have the exact numbers because there’s not a Pop Star Reference database, but it’s enough that even the most out-of-touch sports writers are aware it is a thing.

Also a thing is the propensity of pro athletes for affairs, cheating, NDAs, and the sort, so this couple seems like a perfect match for the tabloids and Kelce seems like a perfect muse for a future Swift breakup ballad. While I don’t like going to the jock stereotype well, the Chiefs tight end has a catchphrase for Christ’s sake.

How many times do you think he says that daily? Does he scream “You have to fight, for your right, to party” at all public functions? The White House staff appear to be the only people who can stop him from yelling the Beastie Boys hook, and if casual football fans are tired of it, imagine how those who regularly deal with Kelce feel.

Look, I understand the human instinct to lust after celebrities. Men and women do it, and there’s an obvious status, or validation, that they’re seeking. “Hey, look who I seduced. I truly am a mack,” or “I really am pretty.”

OK. Now, how many celebrity relationships are still intact? The most notable one is Jay-Z and Beyonce, and it didn’t even take a breakup for Hova to get publicly eviscerated by his wife for extracurricular activities. Unless Kelce and Swift have a deal with Max for the next season of The Divorce, outside of TV royalties, there’s not a lot of incentive for the alleged couple to continue dating.

She just finished touring, he just started the season, and my guess is the fling will take on the feel of a long-distance relationship sooner rather than later. Both parties are far too entitled (and rich) to endure that kind of hardship as even normal people, who don’t have a plethora of eligible candidates, have a tough time staying connected across hundreds of miles.

It takes a serious amount of FaceTime, sexting, and dedication (or private airline miles) to bridge that divide. Call me a hater all you want, yet I’d describe myself as a realist and a romantic, and am simply trying to prepare two people for what’s in store.

But, yes, by all means, Travis Kelce, go down that path and hope the end is amicable enough that you avoid getting skewered by one of the most listened-to artists of this century.