Welcome to Tuesday Night Fights, a weekly celebration and analysis of street-fight videos found on YouTube. Tonight's fisticuffs: "Mall beatdown 3 russian thugs fight 2 white guys in ties brutal insane mall fight." Tonight's commentator: noted Gawker Nation commenter Maury Compson (Coming next week: Foreign ladies battle in the street; a sagely cinematographer includes an upskirt warning.)
I really fucking hate the mall. I hate the knuckle-dragging Bluetooth morons who have seemingly wandered its sweet-smelling prison-maze halls since 1987. I hate the 45-year-old kiosk guys trying to sell you magnetic mojo bracelets, bonzai trees, and remote-control helicopters; I hate them even though I want all three of those objects they’re peddling.
Malls are also places of violence. They are post-apocalyptic wastelands that would give even Cormac McCarthy an erection. Lawlessness is the only rule in the mall. That is why most malls are patrolled by ex-Blackwater operatives with at least two civilian kills under their belt.
This context explains why tonight’s fight video will shock no one’s sensibilities.
At first glance, it appears to be another mall brawl between two guys in suits and three guys in jeans. That’s a daily occurrence. But, if you watch this movie repeatedly – say, 400 times in a row, listening more closely each time – it becomes something quite extraordinary.
We pick up the action with what appears to be two businessmen on their backs. It does not look good for them. Why the fight started, we do not know. But, the denim toughs really want what is in that bag.
And what is in that bag? Will we ever find out? Do we even want to know? This is a Russian mall, after all.
Another thing which makes me think I’m watching some postmodern homage to indiscriminate violence are those divine sound effects echoing off mall walls when a suited fighter takes a punch square in his face. Look and listen closely. It happens at the 0:06 mark.
What happens next: Another suited gentleman runs to the aid of his comrade, only to be struck simultaneously by two furious blows. Strangely – dare I say miraculously – the blows are accompanied by two almost metallic clangs. There is probably rational explanation for this, but until one is shared widely, I will attribute it to supernatural intervention.
The other highlight blow is that amazing spinning punch that comes 15 seconds in.
The rest of the time it’s just men in suits holding their breath while they stand as erect as possible and flail relentlessly. They are scrappers, scrappers who, amazingly, turn the tables on the denimed ne’er do-wells.
But here’s the thing: Although the suits do lose their treasured bag, they turn this fight around and apprehend one of the hooligans, who is then treated to a couple punches and kicks from a tall man who has just purchased some bath soaps for his fiancée, which understandably has emasculated him and requires him to beat the most vulnerable person in his proximity.
It all comes back to that bag, though. What’s in the bag?
And when did they get fucking malls in Russia, anyway?
And now the rest of the Tuesday Night Fights:
• Shit got really real at "Afties" in Waterbury, Ct. the other night. Real, as in stools and bottles thrown and pool cues swung and that kinda real, yo. (Start of violence, 0:22)
• And shit got really really real at this here Jamaican birthday party in Newark, NJ. YO YO YO YO! (SoV, instantly)
• Try as they might to intimidate and frazzle, the Orange Gang only temporarily defeats this gentleman. (SoV, 0:07)
• The SXSW Ratchet Fight Intermission Report:
• ICYMI: All-American SXSW Bully got KTFO and some whiny folks questioned the nobility of said KTFOing. (SoV, watch it all)
• The question at hand is "Who da fuck you talkin to homes!" Bro! (SoV, 0:07)
• In Huntington Beach, you will get "slaped" for "stocking girls." (SoV, 0:14)
• Wake up, 'Mericans. Them fightin' commie folks have turned into amphibian warriors, scared not of getting wet in pursuit of supremacy. (SoV, instantly)
• Your "Huge black girl brutally beats up a tiny Asian girl on a bus!" Intermezzo:
• Aboriginals fighting in bush: Raycess to be entertained? (SoV, 0:04)
• FRESHMEN FIGHTING IN THE AUDITORIUM!!! (SoV, instantly)
• Not quite sure who "Werewolf bz" is, or what getting "hammer fisted" means in this context, but that's what seemingly happens in the grainy hammer-fisting footage. (SoV, 0:11)
• Have we seen "The Perfect Girl Fight" before? Not sure. It felt new when I saw it on Saturday. (SoV, 0:19)
• In Russia, You Will Get Slammed On The Concrete And Like It Live Look-In:
• From the 215 area code (and vicinity): In the Strawberry Mansion section of the city, two women fought in the street; one was wearing a bra and panties at the time (SoV, instantly). Bonus Coverage: There's a bar in my neighborhood. It changes names every week or so. Kinda nice. Patio by the train tracks and whatnot. Also, fights (SoV, 0:16). Bonus Coverage II: "basil b on go all tha time" which may or may not have been posted a couple weeks ago (SoV, 1:39). Bonus Coverage III: I know someone who teaches at Olney HS. I'm going to tell her to find these youths and ask that they not cut the footage prior to a looming alley-concrete slam. Poor $ terrence $. (SoV, 0:14).
• From TNF Beijing Correspondent Anthony Tao: "Another Pack Of Chengguan Assaults a Vendor, This Time In Xiamen" (SoV, 0:07).
• This week marks the inaugural "Fremont Street fight" semi-regular update. Presenting "Las Vegas Strip Las Vegas Fremont Street fight." (SoV, 1:14)
• TNF Viewer "Hooded xSaints" shared a duo of battlevids. As he dutifully explained, "Drunken douchebag at UT gets in a fight with roommate. Gets arrested. Notice the change of jersey between the fight and arrest. Notable quotes: 'Call the police you fucking terrorist!' [and] 'Shut the fuck up forever!'" Pt. 1 (SoV, 0:11). Pt. 2 (SoV, just an arrest)
• The Don't Pick Fights Outside The Wheeling Tough-Man Competition One To Grow On:
• What happened to an America where we can just throw on some b-boy gloves and dance in peace? smdh lol (SoV, 0:40)
• TNF Reader Alex P. checked in to report that he "fell in a youtube hole and came across this." This, being oldie-but-goodie "Light Rail Bushido Blade! It's all fun and games until someone pulls out a sword." (SoV, 0:27)
• Others: "Real Man 101 advanced class - street brawl." "Sexy Girls in bikini fight at the pool." "Perth Women Brawl On Bus." "Real Gang-star Girls fight." "Fight on front street." "NOBLE SF MARCH10 3AM FIGHT." "FIGHT 7 Vs 1 in Crowded Street Downtown! [Texas]." "Pat Mcdonagh v Michael Duke." "Old Men Fighting." "Two Chinese Attack Foreigner In Jinan Nightclub And Get Owned (CCTV VIDEO)." "Fight at Monroe." "3/15/13 Locker Room Fight."
• The "Hardcore Brazilian Chicks" Fight, Make Up Coda: