Was This Column On Twerking Written By Mitch Albom Or Abe Simpson?

Remember when Miley Cyrus twerked and we had big discussions on What It Meant? It seems like so long ago in internet time. Anyway, Mitch Albom used his Sunday column space to tackle this crazy newfangled twerking.

As you might expect, the column read like it was written by Abe Simpson. Below are actual things written about twerking by Mitch Albom:

Kids today, even the shy ones, seem to have all kinds of moves. A nerdy looking boy with an overbite will demurely say, “Aww, I can’t dance,” then throw up his hands, close his eyes, wiggle his torso, stop and mumble, “See?”

See what? In my day, that would have put you on “American Bandstand.”

Back then, we didn’t “twerk.” I only recently learned what “twerking” was, when I returned from a vacation to find the entire country talking about it. [Ed. note- This explains a lot.]

In our day, we also had a sentence for kids bending over, shaking their tush in someone’s crotch area and grinning with their eyes closed. It went: “Grounded for a month.”

To be honest, I feel sorry for kids today. We only had to learn to roll our arms in the air, like we were conjuring up a magic potion, and we could survive on the dance floor. Kids today need to grind, slide and simulate sex moves in order to be considered worthy.

One more. The kicker, which might be grosser than twerking itself:

Then again, if all it took to make history was squatting and twirling your butt, the makers of the bidet would be a lot more famous.

[ Detroit Free Press]

Photo: Neilson Barnard/Getty Images