Sports News Without Fear, Favor or Compromise
Sports News Without Fear, Favor or Compromise

We Keep Our Wanka Kits In The Nightstand Drawer

Illustration for article titled We Keep Our Wanka Kits In The Nightstand Drawer

Good news for those of you who haven't been able to track down a replica jersey of the Jacksonville Jerkoffs of the old ABA: the hot new jersey in the U.K. is that of Peruvian soccer club D. Wanka:

Deportivo Wanka has been giving Manchester United a run for its money in the replica kit market, although the Huancayo-based outfit has no idea why more than 1,000 British footie fans might want to sport a Deportivo Wanka shirt. The team is, according to UK tabloid The Sun, named after the Wanka tribe which once occupied Huancayo. A spokeswanka said: "It is very strange. Everyone in Britain seems to think we have a funny name."

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Fact: we at KSK very nearly called ourselves the Wanka Tribe before settling on "Gay Mafia." In the end, we felt it was too much like the I Am African campaign — really, it was only a matter of time until we saw a series of ads saying "We are all Wankas." And if Gwyneth Paltrow and Sarah Jessica Parker and fucking Frodo ever get associated with our brand creatively low-brow profanity, then go ahead and scrape my peehole, rape my nostril, and call me Mary. No fucking thank you.

ANYWAY. I understand there are masturbation jokes to be made. Please, commence. That's why we're all here, right?

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Postscript: Irrefutable guidance for the average white sports fan — soccer jersey > football jersey > basketball jersey > baseball jersey. Nothing says, "I'm an assclown" like wearing a baseball jersey. Disagree? You're living in denial, pal.

Update: For the horny masses. Sorry if these are repeat boobies. -MMP

Illustration for article titled We Keep Our Wanka Kits In The Nightstand Drawer

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