We Saved Everyone Some Trouble And Wrote All The Future LaVar Ball Headlines

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It only took one half of one Lakers season for LaVar Ball to do what he does best—try to undermine the coaching staff of one of his son’s teams. His inability to let anyone other than himself be in charge of any team with any of his sons on it has already derailed a high school team, UCLA, and Vytautas Prienai, so it should come as no surprise that the Lakers’ first losing streak made him declare that Luke Walton has doo-doo brain and is unfit to coach his son Lonzo.

This is what LaVar Ball does, although the NBA is big enough that he’s encountered some resistance, notably from Rick Carlisle, who called out Jeff Goodman and ESPN for giving Ball the space in which to tee off on Walton. Ball is a popular figure—or, anyway, he clearly drives traffic—which means he’ll keep being interviewed, even if ESPN headlines like “LaVar Ball Thinks LeBron James Will Play In LA,” “LaVar Ball Says LiAngelo Will Be A Laker Next Season,” and “LaVar Ball Says His Sons ‘Absolutely’ Could Beat A Pro Team By Themselves” are all so thunderously and self-evidently dumb as to have no news value and run an unnecessary risk of eyeroll-related injuries among readers. Anyway, since Carlisle doesn’t want ESPN to let Ball serve as the shadow editor of its front page any longer, we came up with some other LaVar Ball headlines to save some work for everyone involved.

  • LaVar Ball Thinks LeBron James’s Hair Will Grow Back Thanks To “Advances In Science”
  • LaVar Ball Says Space Jam Was Real And He Beat The Aliens By Himself
  • LaVar Ball: Sons Could “Absolutely” Defeat A Football Team Put Together By The Troops
  • LaVar Ball Defends Unsubstantiated Claim To Be “World Push-Up Champion”
  • LaVar Ball: They Asked Me To Play Black Panther But The Money Wasn’t Right
  • LaVar Ball: “They” Don’t Want To Hear The Big Baller Brand Solution To Global Warming
  • LaVar Ball: I Just Choose To Shave My Head
  • LaVar Ball Says New York Yankees, Boston Red Sox In Pursuit Of Sons
  • LaVar Ball: My Son’s Arrest In China Was Part Of A Deep Cover Operation
  • LaVar Ball: “A Lot Of The Stuff In American Sniper Was Actually Me”
  • LaVar Ball On Plans To Run For President Of Lithuania: “We’re Considering It”
  • LaVar Ball: “I’d Make A Great President Of Lithuania”
  • LaVar Ball: Oprah Asked Me To Run For President
  • LaVar Ball Denies Any Involvement In Putin’s Reclamation Of Eastern Bloc
  • LaVar Ball Refuses To Thank President Winfrey After LiAngelo Is Let Out Of North Korean Prison
  • LaVar Ball: The Scripps National Spelling Bee Doesn’t Count Because My Sons Were Kept Out Of It
  • LaVar Ball: “I Am a Very Stable Genius”
  • LaVar Ball: “I’m Elena Ferrante”
  • LaVar Ball: “My Family Is A Sovereign Nation And We Will Be Entering Ourselves In The Olympics”
  • LaVar Ball: Air Bud Was Based On Me
  • LaVar Ball Claims To Have Dunked On A 14-Foot Rim “Just Yesterday, After Breakfast”
  • LaVar Ball Calls For CERN Boycott After They Refuse To Name New Element Bigballerbrandium
  • LaVar Ball: Magic Johnson Will Come Out Of Retirement To Join My Son On The Lakers
  • LaVar Ball: Colgate, Crest “Running Scared” From Big Baller Brand Whitening Strips
  • LaVar Ball Claims LiAngelo Is Now A “Grandmaster” Overwatch Pro
  • “I’m Entering The NBA Slam Dunk Contest, And I’m Going To Win It”: LaVar Ball’s Challenge To Zach LaVine
  • LaVar Ball: Winklevoss Twins Pledged To Go All In On BigBallerCoin
  • LaVar Ball: Yes, My Sons Are Taller Than Joel Embiid, In Metric
  • LaVar Ball: Cassius Clay Never Landed That Punch On Liston But I Did
  • LaVar Ball: I Refused To Play In The World Series Of Poker Unless They Let Me Be the Table
  • LaVar Ball: Don’t Talk To Me About Santa Claus Until He Wins An NBA Championship
  • LaVar Ball: The Lakers Have Already Won This Season’s NBA Championship, Actually
  • LaVar Ball Says Big Baller League Ball Will Be An 18x18 Rubik’s Cube And His Sons Will Solve It Before Each Shot
  • LaVar Ball: Actually, The North Korean Penal League Is The Next Frontier Of Hoops
  • LaVar Ball Displays “Marshal of the Unites States Supreme Court” Badge