We're At The End Of Our Rope

It's a sad day here at Deadspin World Headquarters, as the Talking Dennis Miller action figure was found hanged to death early this morning by the cleaning crew. Suicide is suspected, although I blame the cat. His last words were thought to have included a snarky insult of some sort, followed by an arcane reference to the Crimean War. Such a tragic waste of $22.95. Talking Dennis Miller will be interred in my backyard, alongside the Tomb of the Unknown GI Joe.

If it were suicide, who can blame him? How could one not be overcome with remorse after allowing Bill O'Reilly to appear on one's new Versus sports show? How kind of Miller's Fox News overlords to wait until Week 3 of Unfiltered with Dennis Miller to force him to trot out Billo, who lumbered out from underneath the bridge he was guarding to appear in a taped segment during the ever-popular "Ask Dennis" portion of the show. O'Reilly's question had something to do with Ricky Williams and hemp and was embarrassing even to Miller himself. Listen O'Reilly, if I want to gaze at your enormous, freakish head I'll log on to Google Earth like everyone else.

The vital statistics:

• Mistake of the Week. Referred to the Kansas City Chiefs head coach as "Norm Edwards."

• Number of times said the word "cat" in reference to a person: Seven.

• Event of the Week: The Stub Hub Legends Classic (a real event, actually, I think).

• Unfortunate Simile of the Week: "He was more stoned than a Syrian adulteress."

• Guests: Jose Canseco, Bruce Pearl, Warren Sapp.

• Best line:. (By Sapp) "I've played for 13 years, and that takes a toll. If I'm going to continue, I'm going to have to go see Jose ..."

• Other references. CEC (Chronic Expansion Committee) ... Sean Combs' rec room ... Leon Lett ... The Jackie Gleason Show ... himself wearing a sports bra.

OK, I'll admit it: I didn't see the entire show. I apologize. I'm supposed to be watching this thing so that you don't have to, but it's likely to go the standard 12 episodes before cancellation and I'm not made of metal. I'd rather watch The Vagina Monologues while dressed as Princess Margaret, drinking warm beer in a basement in Falluja than watch one more minute of this. I never thought I'd say this, but save me, Frank TV!

Sports Unfiltered With Dennis Miller [Versus]