What Do Alexander Ovechkin, The Penguins And Jiffy Pop Have In Common?*

Because no one reads the newspaper, and SportsCenter's anchors are too perky for this early in the morning, Deadspin combs the best of the broadsheets and the blogosphere to bring you everything you need to know to start your day.

• Pau Gasol's putback with 0.5 ticks left gave the Lakers a 95-94, series-clinching win over the Thunder, who, if you didn't know, was only a No. 8 seed. That is, this was a first-round matchup. So yes, it was a great series — tough and gritty and, dare I say it, a heavyweight bout and all — but it was still the first round, and if the Lakers defend their crown, no one's going to be talking about the Lakers escaping. Probably, they won't talk about this series at all. So you can forget it now, too. The Jazz, which waits in the second round after dispatching the Nuggets, certainly has.

• It might rain up to two inches at Churchill Downs. Then again, it might not rain two inches at Churchill Downs. The weather might affect the Kentucky Derby. Then again, the weather might not affect the Kentucky Derby.

• The White House Correspondents' Dinner — a cross between a prom for nerds and the ESPYs, if journalists were invited and there were no awards and, um, the President spoke — is tonight, which means the D.C. party circuit was totally hoppin' last night. Who was at Why, hello, Tony Romo, with your arm around Zach Galifianakis, broin' out. And look, there's Maureen Dowd, wearing sunglasses and pearls and talking to — oh hi! — Tony Kornheiser, who is flashing four fingers, for some reason, and whose face appears as flushed as Dowd's locks. Part of me wants to construct one of those signature MoDowd fake conversations and maybe even give them cutesy nicknames. A bigger part of me wants absolutely nothing to do with that.

• Tim Tebow practiced football! Let's see what he had to say about it:

"Oh, it's great because we can go back and watch it," said the ever-excitable Tebow following the 90-minute workout on a chilly morning. "We can look at every play, every throw, go back and see what I did good, what I did bad, what I have to work on and what I need to change."

"It was just everything from the plays to footwork to getting my body in position to throw and just different things like that," Tebow said. "All football, all the time, and I love it, it's great."

"Just improving, getting better on everything, I mean the footwork, the drops, the cadences, identifying the right [reads], going through the protections, everything like that has been what I've been working on," Tebow said. "I can't just narrow it down. I got too many things I'm working on right now."

"Oh, I'm just excited. It's not really pressure," he said. "I just go out here and play football. I'm loving doing it. I'm learning a great offense from great coaches, just trying to soak it all in every chance I get and I'm having a great time with it."

"I had been working really hard so I felt like I was in decent shape," Tebow said. "But I can definitely feel a difference. ... You just can't get as much air."

Almost 900 words later, in short, we've learned one thing about Tim Tebow. He's a rookie.

*Oh, and the answer is this sign (via Pittsburgh Post-Gazette) and nothing else. I hope. *****

Good morning afternoon, folks, and sorry for the late start. I woke up to an e-mail from Fearless Leader informing me that he couldn't move, and that, apparently, "it's all yours whenever you're ready." (At least we know that the bachelor party for one William F. Leitch didn't kill everyone in its path. I can't vouch for the others.) Moral of the story? Send me tips, please, and chances are, I'll publish them. And no, I'm not lost.