Here’s my best attempt at transcribing the speech that maniacal Colts owner Jim Irsay gave after his team’s wild-card win over the Texans:

Yes, ah, guys, congratulations, tremendous job. As coach said, clean game. Love it when you guys play a clean game. No stupid penalties. I mean, coach and I always talk about it, why hold on kick or punt returns? How many kick or punt returns happen in a year? About this many, OK? [holds up hand in the universal “zero” symbol]

Smart. You guys played smart. And coach and I talked a little bit before I came in here—you know me, I’m a rainmaker, you know, but it’s party time for you guys.

The only thing I wanna say—because we lose as a team and win as a team, as coach said. Dammit, men, we can play better! OK? DAMMIT we can play better. I KNOW we can play better.

But I am so proud of you guys. I can’t even—went in on the road, what you guys did, I mean, 14-point deficit, just incredible stuff. We win as a team, we lose as a team, like I said, ALWAYS!

Win three phases of the game: we’re team, team, team. No one gets singled out for good, bad, or indifferent, like coach said.

But you know me, I’m a perfectionist, guyyyys. I know you guys, and you got more in the tank, OK? Like 31 points, maybe? Maybe? [Team breaks out laughing] I’mma leave it at that, I’m sorry, I don’t want to be a Scrooge, I’m not Scrooge, I love you guys. [Blows air kiss]

A few notes: it took me several tries—and I’m still not totally certain—to get “perfectionist” at 1:08, his desire for 31 points seems like an extremely specific number (although the over/under for the game was 48), and I’m not sure what “rainmaker” could possibly mean in that context. The “14-point deficit” line refers to a Week 16 comeback win over the Giants.

[ESPN]

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