If Vince McMahon were to die would Trump order flags at half-mast?

Oh hell yes. He’d order flags at half-mast for a full year and have Vince interred at Arlington. Then all the HGH in Vince’s system would leach into the groundwater and everyone in D.C. proper would be able to bench press 500 pounds, even newborn babies. Just a bunch of swole Skins fans listenin’ to the Junks and dyin’ before age 48.



Is there a rule that says a field goal must be kicked from seven yards behind the line of scrimmage? My thinking is, if kickers can hit it through the goalposts on a kickoff, would they maybe want to kick a field goal from further behind the LOS so they don’t have to get as much height on it right from the start and they can just wail it in there?


All the NFL rulebook says about field goals is that they must be attempted either behind or on the line of scrimmage, which makes me hope that Belichick one day tries to have an unretired Doug Flutie attempt a drop kick from right behind the center’s ass.

Anyway, you can set the ball anywhere you please. Seven yards appears to be Goldilocks area where you keep the distance to the uprights to a minimum but give yourself some breathing room from the hungries on defense eager to swat the ball into the concourse. I don’t think you want to go NINE yards back or whatever. You might think that gives you a chance to hit the ball at a lower, longer trajectory, but it could still easily get blocked. Also, kickers are fragile and are probably not too enthusiastic about the added psychic baggage of needing to hit an even longer attempt.


Also, the entire football industrial complex has made seven-to-eight yards behind the line the standard for all attempts. It’s the same from middle school ball all the way to the NFL. If everyone trains you that way, it’s probably gonna screw with your form and your head if you adjust that distance. It would FEEL wrong even though it would remain perfectly legal. It’s clear now that we need some renegade kicker to come along who smokes a TON of weed and insists on kicking barefoot from 15 extra yards away. Be the change you want to see in the kicking game, folks.


I graduated college 4 years ago, but I still use my college email address. I mean I have a job and an email through them that I use for all work communications, but for anything personal I use my school account. Literally everything I’ve ever signed up for uses this as the email on record (social media, streaming services, frequent flyer accounts), not to mention the Google services, like Drive and Photos, that are ready linked to it, so switching now would be a huge hassle. Should I bite the bullet and get an adult email, or am I too far in and just accept that I’ll be perpetually 21 online?


I don’t know when it happens, but if you keep your college handle your online reputation will transition from Dude Who Just Graduated to Old Clingy Dude Who Kept His College Email For Prestige And Because He’s Horny For The Past. You may have crossed that Rubicon already. You have my sympathies.

I would change your email handle. That’s easy for me to say given that I’m lazy as shit. Recently, I rolled my eyes when I got a credit card that had a better cash-back rate, but I had to change the number in all my standing retail accounts to use it. I’m saving considerable amounts of money and I STILL bitch over a few minutes worth of extra virtual paperwork. I’m the worst. I can barely be bothered to change a light bulb.


But, provided you’re a more motivated fellow, I would change that address. If you get a new Gmail handle, Google will just import all the shit from your other account anyway. That way, they can continue to harvest your data at will, like they’re engaging in live organ theft. Nice. Also, FUCK your college. I don’t mean your college in particular, unless it’s Notre Dame. But don’t let them use your email as a free branding tool. That’s how they GET you. You go broke paying for college and then you leave and then they never stop asking you for more money and to brandish their name in emails, on hoodies, on your rear windshield, and on your coffee cup. Fuck that. Open up an iCloud account instead. No moral compromises there, nossir!

Also, what if your college just abruptly ends your email account without telling you? What if the liberals forgive all student debt and Kenyon College goes out of business? WHAT THEN? Such a slippery slope we could be headed down…



I came to my fiancé’s office to help out with a project she’s working on at about 4. She’s a copywriter at a very techy online travel site, and it’s in Germany, so there are fridges full of free beer all over the place. We’re done but she’s got another hour and a half or so to work before we head out to grab drinks and dinner, so she stuck me in a comfy-chaired meeting room decked out to look like a 70's TV den to kill time while she finishes up rather than me spending an hour round trip on streetcars for no reason. My question is: do I get drunk? (I already am, obviously, but I wanna know the ethics of it.)


GET DRUNK. That’s law in Germania. You’re almost married anyway. You may as well get a taste, literally, of what wedded bliss is like. I can’t drink anymore, but I had no compunction over the years about helping myself to libations whenever I was bored. That’s just common sense. I wouldn’t get drunk to the point of throwing up by 6 p.m. Booting, as you know, is for LATER. But I think you’re allowed to drink yourself into a good mood as your wife closes up shop, or if she’s busy getting ready to go out. PREGAMING! You get drunk and she gets you off her case … everyone wins!

For real though, enjoy yourself. Sometimes it’s nice to have a drink or a smoke on your own and have it your way, with no socializing getting in the way of it. Be your own George Thorogood song. You’re well on your way to middle age already when you do such things. Everyone loves being 40! It’s true.



What’s the right amount of trust to have in BIG TECH? I’m getting closer to Gene Hackman in Enemy of the State every day and my wife thinks I’m kind of insane and should chill out. I’m right though, right?


You’re right, but I don’t really know what you can do about it. People have noted this before but the system is set up so that you have little choice but to give in to the burgeoning surveillance oligarchy unless you want to become a hermit and go live in a salt marsh. You shouldn’t trust any of these companies, morally. Facebook is pure evil. Google wants its hands all over your brain. Twitter is rock stupid. Amazon destroys entire cities. Apple will price you directly into living in the gutter. None of these companies will make the world a better place. Quite the opposite.

The only trust you should place in them is in if you find their products useful or not. I know Google is actively malevolent, but I still use Gmail because I like the product (massive sorting defects aside) and, like I said, I’m too lazy to switch to some equally reprehensible provider. I’d rather have email than not, which is a funny thing to say in a world where email has become obsolete. Regardless, everything is designed for you to submit until these companies swallow the world whole. And they will. EXCITING.



Can you rank generic high school names that could exist anywhere? A few names worth considering:




Mountain Ridge


Mill Creek


Mountain View


Stone Ridge



Oh anything with “view” in it is good. Ninety percent of all American suburbs and/or high schools have the words “view,” “wood,” “pine,” “ridge,” “land,” or “Nixon” in them. My kids watch Lab Rats on Disney Channel. It’s a good show if you enjoy being reminded that Hal Sparks is alive and well. Anyway, the high school on that show is called Mission Creek and my kids insist it’s a real place, even though on the show it’s a school where bionic teenagers hang out. They keep asking me where Mission Creek High is, and I’m like there’s probably a Mission Creek High in every fucking county, just not a Mission Creek High like THAT one. That explanation never lands.


Email of the week!


So I have a cat that takes some absurd monster shits. It never ceases to amaze me how such things can come out of an animal of that size without causing harm in some way. I came home today and found one in the box that was one of the worst I’ve ever seen, it was a single log basically the exact length and girth of a normal highlighter pen.

He’s 14 pounds, so a large but not exceptionally large cat; if he was an adult man I’d guess he would be something like 6'2/230, and I was trying to determine what household object would best represent it if such a man took a dump proportionally equivalent to that. The best I can come up with is a six-pack of cans stacked on top of one another. I was wondering if you had any insight on this.


A flashlight.