There are only two questions that I’m interested in seeing answered during this season of Game of Thrones: Is Ramsay Bolton going to get fucked all the way up? If he is, who is going to do it?
Ever since King Joffery vacated the show’s Elfin Psychopath Everyone Wants To See Die; I Mean, Seriously, Can Someone Just Off This Creep Already? position, Ramsay has been pushing the boundaries of cartoonish evil-doing. It was all chill when he was just being a weirdo and flaying people’s dicks, but now he’s fed a newborn and its mother to wild dogs, and it’s time for him to get out of our faces.
Five seasons of watching This Ain’t The Princess Bride, Bitch! would lead us to believe that the answer to the first question is something like, “Haha, are you lost?” We’ve seen enough rape, decapitation, and charming lotharios getting their heads exploded to know better than to expect a cinematic death for Ramsay doled out by one of the ever-dwindling cast of good guys. According to the internal logic of the first five seasons, this one should end with, I don’t know, Jon Snow and Sansa being stung to death by monster bees?
And yet—he says, as cautiously as a man stepping through a minefield—I think Ramsay is going to get his before the end of this season. For one, Jon Snow’s recent resurrection would seem to disqualify him from ending up the loser of the forthcoming Bastard Fight. There’s also the fact that this season, if for no other reason than needing to finally move the goddamn plot along, has traded in some of the childish nihilism that we’ve all grown to love so much for more redemptive storylines. Aside from all that, there aren’t that many episodes left in this dang show, and Ramsay only needs to be the big bad guy until the Real Big Bad Guys show up with their cool ice swords and whatnot, and that has to be happening sooner rather than later.
Now that we’re all in agreement (no, shut up, we all agree) about Ramsay’s impending doom, it’s time to lay down some odds for all the ways it could potentially go down.
100/1: Jon Snow
Even if the show is moving away from ol’ GRRM’s extremely dank and not-at-all exhausting worldview, I don’t think the writers can believably pull off a scene in which Jon Snow gets to play the conquering hero. We’ve been smashing beetles way too long for an outcome as pat and narratively concise as this one to work.
100/1: Sansa Stark
85/1: Robin Arryn
The Knights of the Vale are marching on Winterfell, which could mean this little weirdo will be present for Bastard Fight. I’d like to see this scene play out, if only to see what kind of camera tricks the director has to use to disguise the fact that the kid who plays Robin is now twice Ramsay’s size.
50/1: Arya Stark
I mean, she’s really far away, right? I don’t think Jedi Bret Michaels is really the kind of boss who gives out vacation days, anyway.
35/1: Drogon The Dragon
I can’t think of a good reason why Drogon would end up in Westeros, but Dragon ex Machina is not a solution that the writers have shied away from in the past.
30/1: He gets killed by his own men during some mutiny
This would fit in nicely with the logic of the show, but it’s a trick they already pulled off with Theon. Also, it’s boring as hell.
20/1: Podrick Payne
Our sweet boy Pod does have a knack for sneaking up on bad guys and putting his spear to good use, and getting taken down by a magic-dicked teen would be a fittingly embarrassing end for Ramsay.
15/1: Brienne of Tarth
Brienne is one of the few characters in this show who is actually capable of going out there and getting shit done. She avenged Renly Baratheon, found both Stark girls as she promised to, and kicked the shit out of the Hound. I can see some scenario in which Jon Snow is too much of a chump to finish the job and Brienne has to come in and remove Ramay’s head herself.
10/1: Tormund Giantsbane
This is the guy I most want to see get the kill, because Tormund is the best character on the show. He’s like Yukon Cornelius but with dick jokes and an immunity to arrows. He also fights like a goddamn grizzly bear that learned to hold a sword, and all I want in this world is to see him hack Ramsay to pieces.
This is a strong option, because it would supply a sufficiently gory kill and also a neat bit of irony, given Ramsay’s fondness for his own dogs. Also, Ghost hasn’t gotten to do much this season and it’s time to let him cook.
5/1: The Night’s King
2/1: Ramsay gets whatever Westeros’ version of the Spanish Flu is and dies in his bed.
Haha, owned even harder.
Image via HBO