Who will succeed Bill Belichick/Logan Roy?

“Succession” is back, and everyone is amped to glorify rich assholes again. The fervor for its highly anticipated return is usually reserved for things like the McRib, mask-free vacations (still waiting on this one), the “Spider-Man: No Way Home” trailer or, as this post would have it, the NFL season.

But the crazed buildup to “Succession’s” third season and the NFL season isn’t the only parallel between these two behemoths of American culture. There’s scandal, misogyny, cover-ups, inappropriate insults and, most importantly, the storyline of who will succeed an archaic apex predator who just won’t die.

So in honor of the Patriots sitting at 2-4 and the return of Kieran Culkin saying things like, “Don’t threaten me, Gerri, I don’t have time to jerk off,” let’s look at who’s in line to succeed Bill Belichick as the NFL’s top coach.

Logan Roy/Bill Belichick — It’s hard not to think someone’s reign of terror is over after seeing them take a piss in the middle of their office or think they can reteach Cam Newton how to throw a football. Surrounding yourself with yes men and a propensity for nepotism is a blueprint for mediocrity, but it’s hard to ignore the moments of brilliance brought about by being backed into a corner.

Yes, both needed a little luck to hold on to the top spot (Kendall pulling a Chappaquiddick and Mac Jones falling to 15), but it’s quickly becoming apparent that it will end — probably sooner than later. Will we get one more round of “Boar on the Floor?”

I know, I know, Brady isn’t a head coach but hear me out. I’m pretty sure if Tom ever came back to New England, Bill would coddle him and tell him he’s his No. 1 boy. No matter how much Logan or Bill want to groom their successor— and I’m not sure that they do — they’re not going to be able to do so because their obsession with legacy prevents them from ceding control. That’s why Kendall and Tom (Brady, not Wambsgans) went out on their own. They want to prove that they’re capable. We know Tom is, but now we’ll see about Kendall. 

Shiv/Sean are the most qualified, brightest candidates, which is why it’s easy to see them as the eventual winners. They both have that killer in them (you gotta be a killer) but are prone to actually feeling remorse about shitty things they’ve done; Shiv doesn’t feel good about her open marriage with Tom, and Sean has regrets about how the Jared Goff trade was handled. I’m personally rooting for Shiv, and, if McVay coached any other team than the one that used to be in St. Louis, I’d root for him, too.

Just because you’re a Roy or a Bill Belichick disciple doesn’t mean you’re automatically qualified to lead the country or the New York Giants. I mean it helps but after conversating with them for five minutes, you’re left wondering how any of this relates to submarines or how promoting bad reviews of a play is a good idea.

Both are veterans of the game with proven track records but are so old that the window has probably shut. They can pass their knowledge on to younger proteges and hope their guidance will lead to responsible, conscientious and well-rounded CEOs, but it’s a young person’s game. The physical/mental toll the game has wrought upon them will probably lead to an early retirement due to health issues and an overwhelming sense of “Fuck it, I have better things to do.” (ed note: I absolutely object to Gerri being saddled with Andy Reid. NO. Absolutely not - Julie)

First, I’d like to apologize for putting that Roman/Gerri/McDermott/Andy Reid image in your head. If you need a second, I understand. … You good? Alright, the case for Roman as McDermott is nobody takes Roman or the Bills seriously. Pick them as your Super Bowl and “Succession” winners all you want, but until they actually do it, I’m not betting on it.

I like Tom a lot more than I like Kyle, but the NFL media fraternity is in love with Kyle. Both got to their current positions with a little help from family (married into or otherwise) and seem generally charismatic/competent. The issue is they might have already peaked. Shanahan’s Super Bowl appearance is akin to Tom marrying Shiv. Their better halves (McVay and Shiv) are the alphas in the relationship and in the boardroom/on the field.

Both come off as bumbling and inept but have managed to solidify a spot in the competition through pure luck. Joe Burrow fell into Taylor’s lap like Greg’s stash of non-shredded documents and both are just smart enough to put them to good use. I’m also personally biased toward both because Greg The Egg is the fucking best and Taylor is a former Nebraska quarterback. Let’s go Team Greg/Taylor! (But they’re definitely not realistic winners.)