Why Deadspin Sucks, By Former NFL Punter Chris Kluwe

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Some people are fans of the website Deadspin. But many, many more people are NOT fans of the website Deadspin. This 2014 website preview is for those in the latter group. You can read previous previews here.

Your website: Deadspin, still part of the Gawker network, still a front for Denton's coke laundering, still using misleading titles for THOSE PAGEVIEWS, DOE.


Your 2013 record: +1. Again. Bear in mind, though, that this is a mediocre, half-assing, non-Schiano-man +1, hardly fit to shine the shoes of previous +1 years. Comments have gotten appreciably lamer, with multiple pro-caliber commenters settling for puns that any Bleacher Report sheepfister can understand. I demand obscure references to pop-culture events that take an episode of Sherlock to decode! You people have gotten fucking lazy.

Your editor: Still the lifeless husk of meat known as Tommy Craggs, who dies a little more each day he's forced to upload a Grierson and Leitch review of some lame movie that nobody gives two camel shits about. I'm sure Craggs wishes he'd kept his mouth shut like a good ESPN drone so he wouldn't have to eat top ramen every night because Denton doesn't pay anyone anything. Tommy Craggs is stuck in a never-ending hell of his own devising, and if he could run a sub 5.0 40, he would be considered a Cleveland Brown.


Your head contributor: Still Drew Magary. I swear to Satan's unbleached asshole, does no one else at this website know how to string words together in the English language? I want a new contender, someone to push Magary off his all caps-lock throne. I want CONTROVERSY, dammit. I mean, you can tell Drew's coasting when he writes a bullshit article like this. NO HATER'S GUIDE TO THE TOP 25?! How am I supposed to know which crableg-lusting ACC quarterback or racist Pac-54 coach to direct my gallons of bile and ragespittle at? Magary might as well quit and go take over for Easterbrook at this point.

Also, this shitheel wears a jacket tied around his waist like some yuppy high schooler and he's A GROWN MAN WITH KIDS. Somebody call Child Protective Services. Those poor kids are fucking doomed to a life of passive-aggressive disappointment and bitter alcoholism.


What's new that sucks: Well, a whole lot of people who never knew what the words "gaping hentai futanari non-consensual" put together mean got a real quick education courtesy of the COMPLETELY UNFORESEEABLE abuse of anonymous burner accounts. Thankfully, Gawker Media did something about it immediately after it was brought to their attention, and by immediately, I mean months later, because WHO THE SHIT CARES ABOUT WOMENBITS WHEN THERE'S SPORTS STUFF, AMIRITE, RAY RICE? Don't forget to buy that pink, ladies! A whole 5 percent goes to breast cancer! Menstruation voids the warranty!


While I'm on the subject of burner accounts, the public stance Gawker (and by association, Deadspin) has taken on them is beyond ludicrous. You guys aren't enabling the next Edward Snowden. Deep Throat 2 isn't coming your way (unless you decide to give Steve Phillips a job). If someone wants to give you a screaming hot tip that'll set the world on fire, because clearly that's what sports news (or political gossip that puts TMZ to shame, in the case of Gawker) does, they'll make a throwaway email account at a public library and send you a note. The only thing burner accounts do is make me want to scream "IT'S A FUCKING SCHOONER" whenever I see that horrible pixelated square.

Another wonderful addition to Deadspin that induces an instant urge to burn a schoolbus full of disabled puppies alive are the autoplaying videos that intermittently pop up when I access the site on my phone. If I want to watch an eight-second clip of some yahoo who thinks throwing a baseball to home plate means recreating the Winona Ryder ping-pong ball clip from South Park, then I'll click on it myself, thank you very damn much. I realize that the Internet is slowly turning us all into the humans from Wall-E, but we're not there yet. I can still manage to muster the effort required to lift my index finger and then lower it again. Probably because I do CrossFit.


What has always sucked: Yup, you all knew it was coming. Kinja. By some miraculous happenstance, whoever the lead-paint-huffing window licker is who's in charge of Kinja (probably Burneko—seriously?) has somehow managed not to completely redesign the entire horrid interface for a span longer than four months. Somebody give that MENSA candidate a medal!

Please note that this in no way renders Kinja functional, in any way, shape, or form. I get notifications on my account (nice use of the red circle, guys; I'm sure Apple has no plans to sue for copyright violation) that invariably redirect me to goat.se whenever I try to click, look, or even think about utilizing a function that literally millions of other websites make work on an everyday basis. MUST BE MAGIC. Also, the constant splintering of subsites into other subsites into microblogs into Grindr requests is basically the complete opposite of what you want to do to draw people to a single aggregator of news.


Other things that have always sucked about Deadspin include not having starred commenters anymore, sponsored posts that pretty much shit all over the ethics of responsible journalism, and the fact they'll let any jackass with an overinflated sense of their own ego post whatever miserable mouthvomit they feel like sharting out. BANG-UP JOB THERE, FELLOWS.


What might not suck: Well, at least you guys haven't inspired your own satire Twitter account based on the collective stupidity of the worst parts of humanity. I guess that counts for something. Also, this Greg Howard guy seems like he can write. You should give him Drew's job.


Hear it from Deadspin fans!


Subject: Nashville/Titans Suck Post

Our Dearest Drew,

We were so impressed by your kind words and deepest affection for our city and our team that we decided to exchange pleasantries. First off, thank you for lumping all of us into the same ignorant category as the infamous Bobby Boucher. What moron makes fun of people using sounds like drrr besides weak and apathetic writers like you who probably got beat up in school by a large fat kid for making fun of him. Ha. We would pay good money to see that kid kick your ass on YouTube again. Even better, we would love to see Tommy Smith sit on your face and deliver you a fart so bad your insides would explode.

Wait for it. Wait for it..... Ahhhhh

That scene just played out in my head. Priceless!!!

Of course, the ultimate form of gratification would be for old man Adams to come back from the grave and give you the old one gun solute right up the same hole where your man friend went last night. Ouch! When are you going to stop letting Mr. Sam wear out the only solid waste plumbing drain you have to excrete all the shit that your full of. I mean damn, if you were a bigger a-hole, Wikipedia would give new meaning to the phrase "dirty bomb".

Look Drew, we know your butt hurts, and all that pain must be unbearable, but please try to avoid writing when your hemorrhoids are flaring up. It really is beneath you. The "bottom" line is that no one really cares about a sorry sore ass beat writer that has some serious daddy issues.

Ice up son, ice up!


Some Dumb Old Rednecks


Subject: Why the Falcons Suck Rebuttal

Hey Drew,

Your a douche canoe.

Sent on a Sprint Samsung Galaxy S® III


Subject: Fuck You

You're a piece of shit for talking about my city like that.


Subject: [None]

You sound like a stupid ass Panther hater who gives a shit what you think take your column and stick it up your ass. We don't need panther haters you dumb jackass

Sent from my iPhone

Samer's dad:

Subject: [None]

I have been reading some of your writing on "Deadspin"!!!! I was not amused by the language "sports writers use" !!! What is this stuff about crutch and groping balls!!! You got to be ashamed of yourself. Isn't enough sports in the U.S. is the most violent form ..it has to be the most profane as well???



Subject: Article about the Raiders

Extremely brutal article about my team. I respect the honesty though. It is true we have blown shit for more than decade now (no kidding, right?). Why am I still a fan? Because this is all I know. You sit there and write about a terrible fan base, yet you don't write about our loyalty to our team. I now question who you call yourself a fan of, since we're such "morons" for still being fans of the Raiders. There's no room for fair-weather fans. Yes, some of the fans may not be the brightest nor the friendliest, but we're sure better than any bitch-bandwagon fans to another team. 49er fans are the absolute worst I tell you. And sure, I've shaken my head MANY times with our personnel decisions, who hasn't? I will still ALWAYS represent the Raider Nation. It may be a stupid decision on my part to other people, but I couldn't give a shit what they think.

You're article got my blood boiling, I won't lie to you. Maybe the brutal honesty is what we need. But don't totally throw our fan base into the shitter.



Subject: FUCK YOU!

I'm kidding, but not really. Your article about STL was for real mean, not just the tongue in cheek shit you do about every other team. You didn't just bash the Rams, you bashed my entire city. You act like I live in some total shithole, surrounded by other shitholes that haven't showered in a few days.

I like the Cardinals (baseball), because why wouldn't I? It seems weird to me that there is so much hatred toward a team like the cards, when we are nothing like the Yankees. That "Cardinal Way" bullshit is only spewed by media peeps, no one I know has ever said that in a non-ironic way, and I am no fucking hipster.

I love your "Your Team Sucks" articles, because they are funny. I even bought your fucking books because I just generally like the way you write. But the article about the Rams...fuck man....it didn't even have anything to do with the rams. I guess that might be a display of just how shitty we are.

Either way, I love when people say shit about how there is nothing to do here. What exactly do other cities have to do that we don't? We have a world class zoo (free), museums, a park that is rivaled only by Central Park, and plenty of places to eat and drink. We also have several nice state parks. And Grants Farm might be a corporate place, but it's still a damn nice place to take my family here and there.

I know the article is supposed to be funny. But the one about St. Louis wasn't supposed to be funny, it was meant to be mean. The AZ cards one the next day was easily the most timid one I read, and they are the true racist assholes that want to keep Mexicans out of our country, just because it might hurt their pristine armpit.

I've read all the articles. The Rams, so far, in my opinion, was the most shitty, and I just can't understand that.

I don't even know why I am writing you, I just feel like we (St. Louis) got a raw deal in your article.

I guess that's it. Go fuck yourself Drew.


Subject: This is why your article sucks

I'm all for free speech and your article had some really valid points.

I hate Macklemore. I hate Starbucks and Howard Schultz. Century link is loud because of the design but it's kinda part of the game right? To be loud on defense and every stadium does it. At least we didn't do any stupid "1,2,3, scream!" to break any record, it just happened because everyone makes such a big deal out of it. I definitely get loud on defense, as I would in any stadium. I like to drink during football, can't say much for the methheads. I'm sure they're everywhere. As are fairweather fans & band wagoners, whatever you wanna call them. But labeling tens of thousands of fans as the same person is complete bull shit. This is why your article as a whole sucks. And your complete ignorance is what will keep you from ever being a great writer. I have no control over who coaches my hometown team, who's on the roster, and how any of those people conduct themselves. I am however, a die hard Seattle fan til the day I die. And I'm no hippie, granola lovin, tree huggin, wanna be Portlander either. I love my city for many reasons, have you ever been to Seattle? I've lived here all my life and maybe that makes me biased. But I've rooted for the mariners, Seahawks and sonics since I can remember, even when they suck. I am beyond thrilled to have such a dominating team here in Seattle because it feels like all those years of rooting on dismal teams has finally paid off. Even the mariners are kicking ass right now. And I fucking love it. What makes me more sick is the people who grow up in one place all their life and are fans of the fucking Yankees or whatever just because they're the best. That to me is more fucked up than being a fairweather fan. Why don't you call out those idiots?

I'm assuming your articles are for the most part entertainment and not for anything remotely intelligent to be taken away from it. But don't be THE douche bag and acknowledge that any city has douche bag fans that will only come out when the team is thriving. Every city will celebrate when their team dominates the game like we do and brings home their first championship. And I'm sure there are methheads rooting on your team too.

This is why your article sucks.

Kristen Bradford

Sent from my iPhone


Subject: C'mon, man!

I know I might sound butthurt, but making fun of the shareholders' "investment" is a complete straw man. Every so often some asshole from Edward Jones comes out with a wry piece like the one you linked to telling everyone what suckers the buyers are. "Joke's on those dumb buyers—SUCKERS!!" Newsflash: NO ONE BUYS PACKERS SHARES AS AN INVESTMENT. I replaced a bare wall with a share certificate, just like my mom and dad replaced a bare wall with a picture of my daughter and matted painting of some people burning leaves in front of an old barn. None of us believes we are going to retire on the proceeds of our respective wall hanging—it looks better than a bare wall. Similarly, I don't need a shirt that says "Pederson" on the back to watch a Vikings game, and a shirt that doesn't say "Pederson" is much cheaper. But they sell lots of those, and the difference between a plain white Hanes tshirt ($3) and an official jersey ($294.95) is, if you follow these morons' logic, a "charitable contribution" to the NFL, Nike, the NFLPA, the Vikings, Adrian Pederson, and whomever else. And (i) that is ridiculous reasoning because things have value above and beyond investment value and (ii) fuck the NFL and Nike (and the Vikings, but that's coming from a non-fan and someone who lived in northern Iowa for 20 years surrounded by breathless reports of their hapless existence).

Ask that fucking thief Zigy Wolf how he is funding his new stadium (HINT: No one gets anything to hang on the wall).

Love your stuff, dude. Your parent shit makes me laugh because if I don't I'll cry.